Happy Father's Day

"I bet it's so busy tonight because it's Father's Day," Sabrina says, looking around the crowded restaurant. "But I bet it's busier on Mother's Day."

Well aware that Mother's Day is one of the busiest restaurant days of the year, I nod in agreement. And am left speechless by the question that follows.

"Why are mothers so much more important than fathers?"

How do I answer this? How do I explain to my daughter, given our personal family dynamic, that mothers are not more important than fathers? How do I affirm the rightness of our family, while acknowledging the value of the cultural norm. Particularly when she's right; for good or for ill, our society does place the role of Mother above that of Father when determining parental relevance.

I think of some flippant, sexist joke pointing to how much more childrearing work moms do than dads, but as I look across the table at my own father, the words die on my lips. I think of the countless diapers he has changed, the boo boos he's kissed, the songs he's sung, the sheer numbers of parenting hours he's put in, both with me and with my children, and I don't want to dismiss him like that, to denigrate his parental contributions simply because he's a man.

I think of some joke about mother guilt being a powerful motivator, but I don't want to go there either. I don't want to imply that we celebrate our fathers because we want to, but our mothers because we have to. That doesn't come any closer to the idea about parenting I'm trying to impart to my daughters--that all parenting is valuable, regardless of the gender of the caregiver, that it's the love and commitment that counts, not the name of the role--than the joke about dads not really doing much of the work.

I'm still looking for an answer when my perceptive Diva Girl supplies one of her own. "Maybe," she says, "it's because a lot of people just have moms. And times like this just make you notice it more."

That they do.

Father's Day can be tricky for solo moms, what with there often being no father in the picture to celebrate on this special day. In the early years, it doesn't really figure into the occasion much, but once your child enters school, with the primary obsession with crafts for every calendar holiday, it becomes a force to be reckoned with. Suddenly, you--and more importantly your child--are confronted with the glaring difference between the actuality of your family and the rosy, nuclear norm that is still celebrated despite its growing statistical malaise. June brings cards cut in the shapes of ties or folded into origami shirts and acrostic poems of "Dad" and "Father" to be laboured over and rarely, if ever, are there exemplars for any relationship other than straight up "Dad." Despite the variety of families that exist nowadays, Dad (and just one, never two) is still the default, which leaves children who fall into the category of "other" feeling slightly left out and like their choices are somehow second best.

I know some solo moms who have claimed Father's Day as a sort of second Mother's Day. We don't do that here, although I do buy The Ladies a gift (and often use the day as an excuse to do something frivolous for myself).

We're lucky. Since preschool, Sabrina has brought home many lovingly made crafts or cards for her grandfather. But she could have just as easily addressed her art to one of her godfathers, or any of her four uncles. All of these men are strong, positive role models in her life, men who show their love for her in the time and attention they spend on her, in the value they place on their relationship, and her place in it. That's what Father's Day is about, and it's why my fatherless daughters celebrate the day, and the men who make their family so very special.

Comments

It's great that the girls have such positive male figures in their lives.

I've been reading your blog for over a month now. Actually, I loved your postings so much I spent a weekend reading through all of your back posts, just because I wanted to get to know you and The Ladies better. You've been inspirational to me in starting my own blog, and so I have. I placed a link on my blog to yours; I hope that is alright with you.

With the kindest of regards,
Issa.

Sometimes I really hate that we have days devoted to either-I'd rather just have a parents day. I hated mother's day when i was younger, because it's SUCH a big deal. Why can't we just honour the people who parent us well, instead of narrowing the scope to either sex?

Regardless-she sounds very astute!

As a mom looking down the road at solo-motherhood, your blog about Father's Day hits close to home. This may be my husband's last Father's Day, as he has been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. My children brought home #1 Dad shirts and hats they made a daycare/preschool. I cried when I thought about what they may do next year. I have two brothers who are godfathers to each of my children and they have every intention of stepping up to the roles of surrogate fathers. I just pray that's good enough for my two children.

Most of the time we give reverence to figures or people who are always visible. Moms are always present anywhere and anytime; whereas dads are stuck in the office or in their work that they could hardly attend some affairs for their kids. For this reason, we tend to think that moms are more special thus they deserve more celebration than dads.

We have recreated mothers and father's day into "parents day", BG has a father with no interest, Jboo has a father who sees her at least once a week and the Parasite has a dad who is present. Makes it complicated, so now we have parents day two of them each year because it just got too damn confusing.

I just found your blog and was really touched by the article about Father's Day. I think that the reason why it seems that mothers are more important than fathers is that it's so much more difficult for a mother to leave her child. I'm not meaning that in a bad way, it's just that the mother and child's heartbeats are one for almost a whole year. It's hard to tear that bond away - no matter the age of the child.

Blessings :)

http://momstalkbiz.com/biz.html

Your blogs are so inspirational. I know for me, Father's Day hits close to home because my kids no longer have a father figure in their lives. We've been divorced now for 7 years and he's since then moved to Florida with his new wife and her 2 kids. The day for us is usually quite solemn for it reminds them of what they no longer have. For any of you other divorced solo moms out there, I know how you feel! I stumbled upon this website www.firstwivesworld.com and found some great inspirational articles and blogs on divorced women and the many issues they face during the aftermath of it all. It's a site dedicated to divorced women. You should check it out.

I grew up fatherless, so Father's Day always felt kind of weird. We sometimes made it into a second Mother's Day, but it was still hard not to notice that others were celebrating something that we didn't have. Now that I'm a dad myself, it all holds new meaning.

My father was never around and my poor Mom raised us all 7 altogether she is a very strong person and I look up to her because I am walking in her footsteps and being the oldest I had to help to I have 3 children tha tI raised myself also and so my mom is my Mom and Dad its a sad situation but to all you dads out there that are real dads and love your kids I applaud you
My Mom gets a call on Mothers Day and Fathers day becuse she has always been both
Now my sisters call her too
She loves it and it makes her happy to hear from us