You're Fired

I have to hand it to Donald Trump, those words are harder to say than you might think.

Things have not been going well at daycare lately. Regan has been happy there; she's blossomed socially and looks forward to going to play with her friends. Sabrina, however, is another story. She dreads going. I practically have to drag her there the mornings I work, and she's miserable when I pick her up in the afternoon. The kind of miserable that leads to the epic tantrums only Diva Girl can throw. And, since she goes to the babysitter's for lunch everyday, she's always at least a little unhappy with her day. She likes the other daycare kids well enough. The problem is the babysitter's son.

"Buddy" is in Sabrina's class at school. They are most definitely not buddies. In fact, it would be hard to find two more diametrically opposed personalities if you tried. Buddy finds Diva Girl to be an irritating chatterbox (which, to be fair, she certainly can be); Diva Girl, in turn, finds Buddy to be sulky and mean. The perfect scenario would be for them to ignore each other, but they are eight. They are not going to ignore each other, they are going to control each other. Buddy tries to make Sabrina stop talking. Sabrina tries to talk to him to resolve the problem. You can imagine how well this all works out.

It doesn't help that Buddy is somewhat of a tyrant. At first, he told Sabrina that if she told on him, she would be the one to get in trouble because it was his mom. I had hoped that after we worked out that everything would get better. And it did, for a while. Then, inevitably, Buddy started picking on her again. Because that's what kids like Buddy--and, to be fair, eight year old boys in general--do. It started with the snowmen. Every single time she built one at the sitter's during lunch, he knocked it down. Because it was "his" snow. Then came "The Rules." Buddy has rules for walking home for lunch. Apparently, she's not to speak to him (ok, fair enough. I've been trying to convince her not to waste her time on him for months), near him (what?), or to any of his friends, like the older boy who walks her to the sitter's for lunch (WHAT???).

I've been struggling with what to do. Yes, Diva Girl hated it there, but Preschooler Formerly Known As Zen was the one who had to spend the bulk of her day there, and she loved it. Plus, Diva Girl was unwilling to give up a hot lunch at the sitter's in exchange for whatever happened to turn up in the lunch box, regardless of whatever abuse Buddy heaped on her. And, to complicate the mix even further, the sitter is a friend of mine, I woman I like very much, and see every day on the playground. So, how to leave her care without straining the friendship and sparking awkward encounters at playgroup was also a concern.

Hoping to avoid unpleasantness, I'd developed a few strategies to lessen Buddy's impact on Sabrina: I had taken to picking and choosing my jobs based on how long Diva Girl would have to stay at the sitter's, asking my parents to pick her up after school if I was working late, and encouraging her to sign up for whatever club ran during lunchtime. Buddy still occupied a lot more of our time and thoughts than I would have liked, though.

When I heard about "The Rules," I was livid. I do not pay Buddy's mother so that he can boss my daughter around. I was ready to pull Sabrina out then and there, but she, ever the optimist, wanted to give it one last try. So, armed with a script of what to say when Buddy started in again, I took her to school.

Turns out she didn't need the script. Partly because Buddy's mother would be walking her that day, and partly because, after hearing why, I was done.

The older boy who walks Diva Girl was going to his own home for lunch today, so the sitter decided to walk Diva Girl because "it was easier than making poor Buddy do it." As though she acknowledged the conflict, and it was clearly that Buddy was the victim. Of Diva Girl's very presence.

I think my jaw might have dropped when I heard that. I'm certain I blinked. Poor. Buddy.

More than the statement itself, what bothered me was the casual, offhand way it was said. To me. Sabrina's mother. I think I made a comment about "poor Sabrina," but honestly, I was too gobsmacked to do much more than kiss Sabrina goodbye.

Poor Buddy. I stewed over those words all day. Wondering how to react. Wondering if I was overreacting. In the end, those two words helped me get over my reluctance to say two of my own, "You're fired." That night I informed Diva Girl that Buddy was no longer going to be an issue, that Gramma would be providing daycare, and the lunch box was coming out of storage. She doesn't like change, but she was ok with this one.

I think the sitter knew this was coming. When I called to tell her that Diva Girl would no longer be part of the lunch bunch, her response was a breezy, "ok, bye!" And she brought The Ladies daycare stuff to school to give me at pick up, saving me the need to actually say the words "You're fired" out loud. In the end it was awkward, but not awful. And even if it had been, my only real regret is that I didn't spare "poor Buddy" the horror of my daughter's presence and embrace my inner Donald a lot sooner.

Comments

Good for you. It's bad enough for her to be subjected to a bully, let alone pay for the privilege.

There is a little girl at the daycare that I take my son to who is a Little Buddy. She's very bratty and she torments this other little girl there whom I ADORE. I finally said something to the sitter about it last week. She seemed surprised to hear it; I guess she never noticed. My final straw was when I saw The Brat picking on The Sweetie and The Sweetie, more or less, was the one who got in trouble. Luckily, my son is only eight months old, so no one is picking on him; but I'm sure that day will come... Hopefully, he won't be the one picking on someone else's kid... Geez I never thought about the other side of that coin... CRAP! Parenthood is SO difficult!!! (Yes, first-time Mom!)

Sigh...I'm not looking forward to this shit...cause I remember BEING Diva Girl, but not handling it nearly as well as she does. Gotta give that little girl props.

But I'm preparing myself for this, since Vivian NEVER.SHUTS.UP. EVER.

Oh, ugh! Having to deal with daycare personnel issues is complete and total hell. I was so traumatized by my experience with three different in-home daycare providers in a row with the Bee, that I swore I would never do it again. Glad it turned out so well for Diva Girl.

Good for you, Kim! If Buddy's mom is a daycare provider, it's up to her to teach all the kids conflict resolution and mutual respect--regardless of the her image of her own offspring as a perfect angel. I'm sorry that this place happened to be where Zen Baby was thriving :( I hope that you're able to find a place where both of the ladies can be happy and healthy!

I wouldn't want my kid exposed to an adult who sanctions such behavior. It must be hard especially b/c there's the chance you'll run into the daycare provider, parents of the other kids, etc. and have to deal with it. It's like levels and degrees of bullying all around but that is what it is.

Every child, at one time or another, is mean to another child. Including your own kids. They have good days and bad days. Some days they are nice to each other and other times they are not. That's how kids are.

Stop and think of the harm you are committing to kids when you put them in a box with a label. There is no such thing as "the bratty" one or "the sweetie."

No kid deserves to be labeled. ALL kids know how to be the bratty one. On any given day, your own child will behave like a "brat." S/he will hurt another child's feelings. S/he will be self absorbed and not notice his/her rude behavior. S/he will some day say something to another child that may or may not be true, but it will hurt the other child.

Some parents can't resist labeling others' kids. And they are oblivious as little kids to the harm they cause. Not the least of which is teaching their own kids who and how to judge.

I wonder why you deleted my comments from your other thread "dooced." And then put up a comment about the "f-bomb" violating iVillage's TOS, as if someone used it. Nobody used it and you don't fool anyone with your last comment which you intended to imply that you deleted comments and shut down the comments due to the use of the "f-bomb." Did you delete my comments because I posted a link where others could find your own use of it? Are you so thin skinned yourself that you can dish out criticism, but you can't tolerate to have a little light shine on your own shortcomings? Why is that considered harrassment? It's a covenient excuse and nothing more. Rather cowardly.

Are you hitting refresh so frequently that you're completely positive no one used it? And if so, isn't that just a bit stalkerish?

Mommy's Little Helper,

You have no clue what you are talking about. The "f-bomb" was used, and was deleted days ago (if you're going to troll, at least try to keep up).

I deleted your comments because they were, as Kirsten said, stalkerish and harrassing.

If you're that committed to whatever you're doing here, how about you go get your own blog? I'm sure "KimberlySucks.blogspot.com" is available. Or, you could get a life.

Are you trying to conveniently label me a stalker? You know as well as I do that everybody who leaves comments checks back frequently to see if there has been more activity.

It's a rather strange coincidence that my comments were all deleted and then the comment about the "f-bomb" violating iVILLAGE's TOS was left before closing the comments down. Maybe somebody did, in fact, leave the "f-bomb" but, I highly doubt it.

Adults who don't know how to play fair inevitably teach their children how to cheat, too. I wonder if that's why "Diva Girl" is having a hard time with "the bratty one."

And Diva Girl cheated...how? You're not making a lot of sense.

Wait, skip it. I forgot one of the big rules of the Internet. Don't feed the trolls. As you were.

Kirsten, as always, you are brilliant and pretty. No more goats here, as Eden would say.

My apologies. You didn't call him "the bratty one." That was a different commentor. You called him "a tyrant." My bad.

I'm curious as to how MLH knows exactly what every commenter is saying in comments that aren't posted. That's just strange.

Awfully fond of the word "coward," isn't she? Since she seems new to the Internet, I'll recommend that she visit http://www.m-w.com/ -- it'll teach you spelling AND there's a thesaurus too!

Kirsten, stalker-trolls never make sense. Throw her a goat; maybe she'll go away. ;)

Eden, the comments I was referring to were the first and second comment on this post. The first commentor refers to Buddy as "a bully" and the second one likens him to a bratty child she knows, too. And Kimberly called him "a tyrant." Not nice to label kids. Not nice at all. In fact, it's not nice to label anyone. Except bloggers think they have a right to dismiss anyone who disagrees with them and feel righteous in labeling him/her "a stalker." Or a "troll." They do it as soon as the heat gets a little hot. That's rather convenient, don't you think?

kirsten, nobody said Diva Girl cheated. I'm sorry you took that comment the wrong way.

"Mommy mommy! They're throwing epithets at me!"

Thanks for the link to the MW dictionary, Eden. Always handy to have that up and running while writing. Do you think it could help you, too? Perhaps, with your punctuation? I can't help but notice you forgot a comma in your little jab to me. Does it jump out at you, too? tsk...shame on me...that's getting just as petty as you. My bad. You won't catch me stooping to that level of pettiness again. I understand that people who write in these forums are not expecting to be critiqued on their grammar, spelling and/or punctuation. Besides, it's just a roadblock to communication.

Editors can be quite the snark sometimes. Excuse my use of an epithet, Kirsten. Something just came over me.

g'nite y'all. Sleep tight.