Let's Do Lunch

Who had Day One in the pool? Because you won.

Yep, Diva Girl lost her lunchbox. The first day she brought it to school.

Other than that, the angst surrounding the new routine doesn't seem to have affected her much. She greatly enjoyed doing luch with her friends today. She even liked the ham sandwich I packed for her. We'll see how long that lasts.

According to her, the best part of staying for lunch is that getting to eat with the Heather and the rest of the girls means that she's not "out of the loop" when the afternoon starts. I had to hide a smile when I heard that. And a bit of a wince. Seems that the politics of female relationships are alive and swiriling in the tween set.

I haven't written much about Heather lately because there really hasn't been much to write. Things have been much more equitable since September. There are still fights and hurt feelings and odd girls out, but it's no longer a given that that girl will be Sabrina. And really, that's all I was asking for.

The simple fact is, kids fight. Especially girls. They can be both casually and calculated in their cruelty, and sadly, it's often not a dynamic that they grow out of. They begin practising these skills young, and hone them to razor sharpness as they grow. Just check out the swirling politics of a moms message board or a debate on one of the frontline issues of the Mommy Wars and you'll often find yourself right back in junior high.

So now when it's Sabrina's turn as the odd girl out, we talk about that. We talk about how it makes her (and every other girl in that position) feel, and about how it happens and why. I don't pretend to know all the answers to those big questions, but I do try to share whatever small bits of wisdom I"ve managed to glean, and to help her to chart her own map through these treacherous waters by teaching her to recognize the patterns that tend to repeat, like the fact that when she's on the outs with Ally, she's close with Sami, and vice versa.

She's by no means mastered this yet--Hell, I'm 35 years old and I still haven't mastered picking my way through this minefield. She is starting to think about it though. She's starting to realize that partly, this is the cost of doing business as a girl, and that she's just got to figure out how to ride the currents. So far, she's trying for neutrality, but I think she's learning that it's hard to be Switzerland, and that often we get drawn into the fray despite our best intentions. Hopefully, she's also learning to try to be kind and to take the moral highroad whenever possible. It's a lesson I'm trying to teach her, but, since I'm still learning it myself, I'm not too sure how that's working out so far.

Most importantly for right now, though, when she tells me that Heather is one of her best friends, I dont roll my eyes and bite my tongue anymore. Now I think that maybe we should invite that little girl to lunch.

Comments

I'm not looking forward to explaining girl culture to either of my kids. I hope that Z will be surrounded by kind friends who stand up for her instead of try to cut her down. Maybe if more moms worked together to support each other, we could alleviate some of this in our daughters.

Glad that Sabrina is doing so well. Do lunch boxes come in dozen-packs at Costco? And yes, it is hard to be Switzerland, even as an adult who should know better. There have been various dramatic situations for a few friends in the last months, and it's been a challenge to keep concern from turning into gossip.

I usually find myself not wanting to post on people's blogs. The comments I have read over the last few days have been interesting. Your friend stated that she doesn't recall you using peoples real names in your blogs unless they are your close friends or family. A question keeps nagging at me. Do you have the permission of your daughters classmate parents to publish her name here? or all the other classmates names you have published in the past? It would be interesting to see how they would feel. I know how I would feel, fairly angry. The internet is a very dangerous place for children with all the cyber preditors out there. They need to be protected not published.

I tend to choose names like Alexis, Madison, etc because they are so common for this age group that they might as well be Jane. of course, they could be the real names, but given how garden variety common they are, I feel anything in the top 10 is fair game for use. Could be real, might not be. I'll never tell. I'm fairly certain, however, that most readers assume that these are pseudonyms.

In the even that they don't, I'm thinking any online predator who used my blog to find a child would already need to know my kid personally, and the kid I'm referring to, since my real last name is not attached to it, and Ontario is an awfully big province. He'd also have to be a fairly unusual predator, since the only photos of children I publish are those of my own.

In the case of Heather, when I began talking about the situation in September, I said something to the effect of "Let's call her Heather" because I wanted to make a parallel to the movie.

How in freaking hell can a "cyber preditor" find a child from a name on the internet that may not even be theirs? I don't get it?

I REALLY wish that people, parents especially would spend their time watching out for the REAL predators who lurk around them rather than wasting their time worrying about nonsensical crap. Ask around-most children who have been molested are molested by family members or family friends. NOT someone on the freaking internet.

I mean come ON! Are you serious "for the children"? I know that vague irony is hip now, but really.

Dear blogtroll,

You're veering into mindless hysteria now. Get a grip, and move on. Your complaint has been heard. Further trolling is just annoying to all of us now, and not serving your cause.

You have GOT to be kidding me! Not only are victims of sexual abuse abused by those closest to them, but online predators aren't usually victimizing grade schoolers. Most of the kids being taken advantage of are children between 13 and 17 that are actually on the computer THEMSELVES. Get a freaking life!

Welcome to the Internet, FTC. Please keep your arms inside the car at all times and no flash photography.

Thor & LMSp said it all.