Dooced

I really should have known better. I'm not a neophyte in the world of blogging. And even if I were, one of the first things you learn about when you start is the cautionary tale of dooce--uberblogger Heather Armstrong's experience of having been fired for her blog content. And yet....

Buddy's mom reads my blog. Or at least, she read that blog.

I honestly never gave that any consideration when I wrote that post. I guess I knew she knew about the blog--it's not like it's anonymous or a secret or anything. But, I just never really thought about her reading it. Which was stupid, I know. First rule of blogging is "assume everyone you know reads your blog." Which is incredibly narcissistic, but can help to keep you out of trouble. And besides, nobody ever said that blogging isn't a narcissist's paradise.

Buddy's mom is pissed. She left a comment on this blog that I took out until I could decide what to do with it. It wasn't pleasant, but that wasn't my major concern. It was a concern--nobody likes to have mean things said about/to them--but mostly, I was concerned about wagons circling and Buddy's mom being picked apart. I've seen it happen on other blogs, and, to a very light extent, here. So, I took the comment out until I could decide what to do about it. Buddy's Mom thought that I did it out of fear and cowardice, and continues to post needling comments. She wants an apology for that post.

In reflecting on things, I realize that she deserves one. Not for the reasons she thinks, but because I never meant to hurt her. Although I was careful not to put names and identifying information in that post, it was still thoughtless and careless. And for that, I am sorry.

So, Buddy's Mom, I am sorry. I am sorry you felt hurt and embarrassed reading that post. I am sorry that I misread your cues and simply assumed that the termination of our daycare arrangement was a mutually understood situation that we were both ok with. I'm sorry that a relationship I had valued was destroyed by ongoing miscommunication and avoidance of the issues. Certainly I bear at least part of the responsibility for that. And I bear all of the responsibility for airing that here.

Blogging is a weird thing. It's like a diary, but one that you shape for public consumption. Bloggers choose the incidents that they will share. Even the most open of bloggers has a privacy line that he or she will not cross, and stories that will remain untold. The stories we do tell, we create and refine out of a series of details and events. We decide the tone we're going to use, how we're trying to portray ourselves--serious? smart? for comic relief? What to put in and what to leave out. We tell stories.

But those stories are about us. What we did, what we think, how we feel, this is our content. We are both the narrator and the main character of our tales. When I wrote that post, I did not do it with the intent to publicly revile Buddy or to humiliate his mother. To be honest, I wasn't thinking about them at all. I was thinking about myself, and my response to the situation. I was thinking about how hard it had been for me, the impact that that experience had had on my life.

I was being very narcissistic. And that narcissism bit me in the ass.

Given the sitter's emails since she left that comment, I doubt we would have remained friends after Friday. To be honest, even before she read that post, I was not looking forward to setting foot on the playground tomorrow morning. I was dreading the fallout from Friday. I felt like Sabrina must have in those early days of this year, hoping that things would be ok on the playground and that the other girls would accept me, but dreading the possibility that I would be left on the fringes.

But regardless of the fact that it wasn't the post that I was worried about, I should have been more careful. I should have recognized that the supporting characters in my blog are real people. I should have assumed that my blog would be read by the people who feature in it. And although I don't feel like I've treated those people unfairly in my descriptions, that's not enough. I need to consider how they will feel they've been portrayed, and choose my stories accordingly.

Comments

WOW! That was the most beautiful, HONEST, and sincere apology and self-realization I have ever read, felt, etc..... Kudos to you for being so real!

There is a blogspot blog that is just for "those" kinds of posts. "Things you can't say on your own front porch." http://herbadmother.blogspot.com/ is the url if I can post that here. If not, just edit it out.

I plan on using it for something I need to blog about, but, as you said, must not post on my own blog because I HAVE to assume it's being read by the person it's about. And I really don't need that. We've all got to be very careful about what we say.

I'm so sorry this ended up so awkward for you. Hopefully it will blow over and things will feel more comfortable soon enough.

How can you claim to be anonymous when your name,your childrens names, classmates names and the teachers at the school are named. Anyone from your school area could read this and know exactlly who you are talking about. To think you are paid to slander and deface another person. As a parent of two children that go to the same school as your child, I find that your lack of fairness and your total disregard of your friendship to this person is appalling11 as you know i also have a daycare in my home. If I remember correctly you were the one to tell me to get rid of irresponsible, unrelieble and rude people. this did not have to go as far as it did. you make it this way by not talkinkg to buddy's mom. sorry that you lost a good friend over this. you will miss her1

I've been dooced before on my blog. When my husband and I were dating I would blog all of my adverntures and whatnot with him (or my other dating/everyday adventures), good or bad. I used code names though; like his was The Commitment Phobe (38 year old bachelor). But, he found my blog (he thinks I'm a freak for keeping it anyway) and got really pissed. Eventually I had to lock it down because one of his friends kept telling him everytime I blogged (I think that his friend is 36 going on 10). There comes a certain point that people have to realize that, like it or not, their lives are fodder for some thing that is going to be public in some way. Perhaps this will help teach the "characters" of the blog to behave better. If people weren't so interesting/different we wouldn't want to write about them. I know my life has become exceptionally boring so I don't blog that often anymore.
Bummer that you lost a friend over this though. Somehow I think that the missing will be mutual and not one-sided.

Interesting perspectives. "Paid to slander and deface" on one hand, and "people should behave better out of fear of being blogged about" on the other. Who knew blogging was such a lightning rod for all our aggression and insecurities?

I find myself thinking about the reasons I don't blog. They're related to the reasons I don't keep a diary. I feel pretty happy in my own skin, I don't feel I have any major issues to work out, and so I'm not inspired to narrate my life, either to myself or to the public. (That's just my sense of why people might blog -- I'm not saying it's the only reason.)

There are those who feel motivated to narrate, though. As I said above, some use diaries and keep them private, some use blogs and anonymize them, some use blogs and don't...and some go to therapy. Which leads us to the question, how many friendships would be destroyed if everyone's therapy sessions were public? The mind reels.

Blogging, I still don't entirely get it. I support it...but I don't get it.

I never said that people should behave better for fear of being blogged about, I'm just saying that perhaps we all could benefit from following the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do to you. I try to treat everyone fairly and be nice to everyone. I don't always succeed because I am human, but aren't we all? I do keep a personal diary as well as a blog although my diary is kept more current than my blog is. I'm perfectly comfortable in my own skin, I just would rather vent my frustrations in the form of creative writing (if it's very creative it goes to my personal diary) rather than take it out on those I love (or don't love).

Besides, if one doesn't "get" the blog thing, then why would one read a blog? I don't entirely "get" that...

Not trying to be bitchy, just inquisitive.

This has become a constant dilemma for me, Kim. I'm thrilled as my readership increases, then mortified when the stray "I hate you and your blogging!" comment pops us. Usually, it is from someone who has been included in a blog and is upset by the way I perceived the situation. The unfortunate result of this has been for me to cut WAY back on my blogging...every other day I decide to shut the thing down, then I change my mind again. Sometimes I just want to put up a permanent disclaimer, "If you don't like what you're reading, THEN STOP READING." I think it's assumed that what's being presented is totally one-sided, narcissistic, and not entirely flattering to other people. Don't ever apologize for how you are feeling or the need to talk about it, though. It is YOUR blog. (And why I keep reading.) Hang in there! xoxo, Shayna

Oops, I guess I didn't write carefully enough, and I seem to have annoyed you, LilMissSassyPants. Sorry about that -- not my intention. I did you a disservice by paraphrasing your thoughtful post so cavalierly. I was intending to be taken as rather cavalier (and therefore non-threatening) but that's a hard tone to make clear in text format.

Let me briefly introduce myself. Hi, I'm Kirsten, I'm Kimberly's best friend. I watched Regan's birth, I've pasted glitter on stuff with Sabrina, and I've goaded Kimberly into spending way too much on makeup and pretty dresses. This is all by way of saying, I love this family. So I read this blog largely because of that love.

I read other blogs too, but mostly knitting and spinning blogs, and even then, not always the same ones. And I usually don't care much for the personal content. It's not a judgement thing, just an interest thing.

I take an interest in lots of things I don't quite get. The not getting it is what drives the interest sometimes. I want to

understand, and dammit, I'm gonna stay until I DO understand. That's just my intellectual stubbornness.

I'm not saying the only reason for blogging I can believe is the bloggers personal insecurity. I'm sure there are many motivations, several not rooted in personality flaws (this is where you should be hearing me trying to be funny, not insulting), but I don't identify with any of the reasons. I feel like I'm the only person around without a blog, and I don't want a blog, and I can't help but ruminate on what motivates the blogging impulse -- especially given the several downsides to blogging, as the OP of this thread demonstrates.

Personally, I think that sometimes people get what they went looking for. In this case, certain childrens' interests were not protected by those contracted to protect them on the most minute, intimate level. If the individual who neglected to do an adequate job of providing decent care for said children (including a social environment) does not like the fallout of her actions, tough cookies. Inappropriate behaviour does not beget a smile and a handshake.

The world is not always a pretty place, and the internet magnifies all the nastiness that's outside. Am I a bit misanthropic? Well, yes, but that's what happens when you get a bit TOO much university.

What is "school mom" talking about? I've never seen you use a real for anyone outside your household. Then again, that grammar, that spelling... charming.

No matter what you do in life or online, someone will always find fault and make whatever you do/say/write all about them. You can't win, especially with certain people. I agree with the others who said "Don't like it? Don't read it."

This post, like your others, was beautifully written, open and honest. It's like I said in the previous, related post: it's a form of bullying, esp. now that they're showing up here to try and give you a virtual smackdown. I'd add to that that there seems to be jealousy involved as well, most likely of your popularity and intelligence. I probably sound like a mom but in some cases, it's true. Hopefully they won't carry their pettiness into real life. Best wishes for you :)

A very well phrased apology indeed. I don't think it's possible to post on the internet for any amount of time without eventually putting foot in mouth. (Or even a short time, as witnessed by Kirsten and her very unfortunately worded comment on this very post.) A heartfelt apology and then dropping the subject is probably the only way to go. You have my sympathies...

In all fairness to Buddy's mom, if you're going to rag on her kid in a forum she could read it on, you could have given her the dignity and respect to say it to her face first. I don't blame her a bit for being hurt, regardless of whether the comments were true or not. Perhaps she would have been hurt hearing it from you directly, but to have to deal with the humiliation of knowing any number of people are reading this and cheering you on is, in my mind, a far bigger blow.
Hopefully you've learned a valuable lesson in the midst of losing a valuable friend.

Wise, you are absolutely right. I don't blame Buddy's Mom for that either. The way she's handled things since I have some issues with, but I'm certainly not going to blog them. And that is indeed the lesson I've learned. Or, one of them, anyway. Thank you for being so wise.

Kirsten, I love you too. And the rest of you? I promise she was joking and is actually funny in person. She's just got a dry wit that loses something without the tone and the eyebrow.

The rest of you, thank you. I screwed up. I'll try to remember this lesson in the future, because it's really not one I want to have to learn ever again. I have a whole new appreciation for Harriet the Spy.

If someone was allowing their child to act the way this child did, and kid was suffering for it, I'd be a little hot under the collar about it.

Is that maybe the issue her for the mother? That the truth hits home? Someone running a home care situation should be a little more careful about how their own children act, shouldn't they? Because I've seen that behaviour, and all talking to the mother ever got anyone was more crap for the child being bullied.

And from the sounds of things, that's EXACTLY what this is.

She's not slandering anyone-she's making a point about how her child has stated she was treated. But since Diva Girl is not "Poor Buddy", we can't possibly believe her, right?

I remember feeling like I couldn't trust adults as a child because of how their children treated me. I hope Diva Girl hasn't learned the same lesson.

I know that this o=is not my fight. Is it anyones but the two families involved?
this is only one side of the story. Where is the other side? The truth? Maybe we need to know before we bash heads over it. Maybe Kim and the babysitte should talk about these issues. How would you feel Kim if someone wrote about your life and people believed them?

Right or wrong, I was just coming in here to point out to the commenters that that what is written here is not "fact" in the journalistic sense. It is my perception of events. It is filtered through the lens of my experiences and thoughts. So, simply because I felt, based on what I saw and experienced, that things were allowed to continue, does not mean that the babysitter sees it that way. She feels that she addressed the issue, and I respect that. Clearly, since I decided to stop paying her to care for my children, I did not agree, but I'm not going to argue her perception.

Hrm, that's a tough question. I imagine if they were making things up, I wouldn't like it much. But if they were recording actual events as filtered through their perception of them, I guess I would have to be ok with that. Intent also matters--I'd like it if we could all agree that there was no malicious intent on my part here.

That said, this is a blog. There really are no "sides".

Well I guess that is fair. This artile was your perception of events. Now consider how your view of the events have warped peoples opinion of all babysitters in general and all eight year old boys(in general). I really hope that you feel justified in writing this blog. I will not be reading it if you want everyones sympathy abourt something that should never been aired in a puplic forum. I can understand how someones feelings can be hurt. I just hope that you never get to know who I am so I will never have to be the brunt of your perception.

I'm not looking for sympathy, actually. I'm not saying it's not nice--I'd not be human if I claimed otherwise--but it wasn't the intent of the post. The intent of the post was to acknowledge that I had messed up, and to work out for myself what that meant. (There's that narcissism again.)

I certainly never meant to give a bad impression of babysitters--my mother was a babysitter and I have huge amount of respect for home daycare. I would consider moving to Ottawa for the sole reason of having Mary P watch my kids, actaully.

As to the idea that this one post forever tarnishing the world's perception of 8 year old boys? Well that's just silly.

I have no interest in playing detective. I have far better things to do with my time than to worry about anonymous commenters.

Finally, I wanted to say WOW. I am just so overwhelmed at what a thoughtful, intelligent bunch of women read and comment here. It's really inspiring.

Kirsten - Thank you so much for your apology!! I hate that you lose so much tone of voice in print; I didn't mean to sound bitchy at all even though I'm sure I came off that way. My sweet husband has been rather surly lately and I've been a little on edge, so I do apologize for any misunderstanding on my part.
As far as "right or wrong" goes: It's my humble opinion that they have posted on this strain under a different name (same grammarical errors) and it's a little more than ludicrous to say that this post would change an opinion regarding a group of people and children. My son goes to an in home nursery and I have read good AND bad things about them. I love his babysitter and most of the children that attend. I was raised in the military so I'm a firm believer that you form an opinion based on the individual, not the group. Maybe she wasn't a great sitter because she was not able to remain impartial when it came to her child; but that still comes down to the fact that she's human. On that same line,

Kimberly has every right to post whatever the hell she wants. Last time I checked we still lived in America and you still had the freedom to say things (even though we are losing that too at a frightening pace). When did we worry more about hurting people's feelings and less about doing what we felt is right? I'm getting off subject a bit here, but that still burns me. They say that you should never Google something you don't want to know; well that applies here. I'm sure the people who know Kim read this just to see if they're mentioned. I'm sure that some of them (ahem) love the idea of them being mentioned even if it does just give them fodder for their drama. I say cheers to Kim. I'm sure the sitter is a decent person and it's very unfortunate that what occurred happened, but perhaps everyone will be able to walk away with a lesson. And who knows, once the sting wears off, maybe a friendship will be rediscovered. Happened to me recently with someone I hadn't talked to in seven years.

the only person that has a brain in their is wise

Well, technically it's Canada, LilMissSassypants, but I see your point ;)

Wise is very wise.

And profanity will not be tolerated.

I love the exchange here between LMSp and Kirsten. That's how adults resolve differences. I think Kimberly more than extended an olive branch here and if it wasn't accepted, there's not much she can do about it.

I'm so sorry about the "doocing." The balance of public (well, it is a blog on the internet) and private (well, personal thoughts are the point of a blog!) is tough. I hope the apology is accepted in the spirit it was intended.

Ahaha! I didn't realize that you were in Canada! But Canada has the same basic rights, don't they? Sorry, but I don't know a lot about the government there.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone with the "whatever the hell" comment; I'm guessing that's where the "profanity will not be tolerated" is stemmed from...

Yes, same basic ideas although we do place somewhat less value on that whole rugged individualist thing. I was just tweaking you LMSp. I think you're pretty awesome. And no, that wasn't the profanity I was talking about.

"Hell" and "damn" aren't even on my radar, and I've let others stand as well. But the so called "f" word? No. Especially when that is the sum total of your intellectual contribution to the discussion.

I gotcha! I've been known to drop the F-bomb from time to time, but I don't attack anyone with it. Okay, I have once or twice, but I'm pretty sure it was an ex-boyfriend who wouldn't leave me alone. AND my exhusband, but he was kind of a douche anyway. There is one guy that I work with that giggles like a school girl whenever I've used it. Apparently I look like a rather... wholesome person so he gets a kick out of it. My personality does not at all match the way that I look; especially at work: I'm the epitome of a secretary; hair up, glasses, the whole nine yards. Although, I do wear fishnet hose under my slacks to shake things up a bit.
Ooh! See how narcisstic I am! I totally turned this into something about ME!!! That's why I BLOG!!!
Anyway, I love your blog and I'm sure that hurt feelings will soon be forgotten and things will go back to some simblance of normalcy. I think that it's great that your daughter is handling the whole thing so well. Maybe you should start up a lunch box drive though...

Oh I'm the queen of the apology. As well as having a dry wit that gets misunderstood rather a lot, I'm also not the world's most tactful person. I can't seem to help those things much (I've tried, and I've improved, but there's a limit), so I've become good at the art of the apology. It just starts with seeing it from the other person's point of view, and then a good and sincere apology is easy. I'm tactless, but I'm kind and compassionate too. It's just a sequencing problem (must remember to think about how words will be taken, and *then* talk...not the other way around).

And Canada vs. America, well it's a funny thing. We have a lot fewer rules on the books about freedom and such, but in practical terms, this is a much freer society, I think. It comes from having been founded by the Hudson's Bay Company and it's related merchants and traders, not by a bunch of religious zealots who preferred to risk a 60% chance of death in transit or in the colony, rather than stay in England or Holland.

Um, Kirs? Remember that whole sequencing thing? Yeah. :)

lol! What's so funny is that I get the "we're not a bunch of religious zealots" thing! I would probably make a great Canadian; except for the whole cold, "eh", and "aboot" thing... ;) EX: "I'd say it's aboot 80 below here, wouldn't you, eh?" Oh, and you guys do celcius and all that too, don't you?! Yeah, I'm WAY too bad with math for all that!
However, one of my distant (very distant, we're talking 1700's here) relatives planted the first Protestant (I think) church in the colonies. He was one of the said religious zealots risking life and limb. I would have been more than happy to stay somewhere warm - crash my boat in the bahamas!
Incidentally, I seem to have the same affliction as Kirsten does. Hence the nickname...

Just to be crystal clear, I'm not saying all American are currently a bunch of religious zealots. I was talking about the Puritans.

That's ever so cool that you can trace your ancestry back to someone who made such an impact, did something so big and brave. That's really neat.

Oh and the best thing about metric? You don't have to be good at math. A kilometer -- 1000 meters. Water freezes at zero, boils at 100. You can travel about a hundred kilometers in an hour on the highway. In the metric system, if you can move a decimal place, you can pretty much figure out what you need to know.

Kirsten - Girl, look! I live in the MIDDLE of the bible belt! You want to talk about religious zealots and puritans, come to Springfield, MO! I've never been around more self-rightous people in my life.
Although, seeing some of the negative comments against Kimberly, I'd say that Canada has their fair share of self-rightous morons. Oops, I mean mommies... er, people.

Self-rightous?... anyone? Anyone? Self-rightous?

All I'm saying is that folks who live in glass houses should not throw stones. You are not without your own faults, sins, and dark secrets. Just because someone decides to openly share themselves with others does not give ANYONE the right to persecute them. No one has gotten hurt (sticks and stones) so why do you have to keep attacking Kim? Get over yourself and next time you decide to critisize someone for something, take a long, hard look in the mirror first.

Speaking of taking a long, hard look at oneself in the mirror: Do I seem a bit hormonal today?

But you are shedding a little light in the wrong area. No one here cares if Kimberly cuses or not. You should find a better soap box.

Kimberly does cuss in real life. And on other people's blogs.

However, profanity violates iVillage TOS. Particularly the "f-bomb." As do harrassing comments.