The Talk

I don't normally talk about fathers, and I particularly don't talk about my children's fathers, but today I'm going to. There's been a lot of posting on the message boards about what to tell kids about their absent fathers. It's a milestone that every solo mom faces at some point, the moment when your child realizes her family is different from other people's and begins to question why.

When you're a solo mom, talking to your kids about their biodads is a lot like talking to your kids about sex; it can make you very uncomfortable, and many of the same rules apply: You should always answer their questions honestly, but in an age appropriate manner. You should expect to have an ongoing conversation, not a one time Q & A on the topic. You should make sure that there's no shame attached to the subject. You should also expect embarrassingly candid preschooler revelations and tough questions that you'd probably be more comfortable not answering. And, it will all happen before you're ready for it.

Diva Girl never said "da da" as a baby. In fact, she never really even babbled the "d" sound. Without a dad around, it simply wasn't part of her vocabulary, or her construct of a family unit. In Diva Toddler's world, families had Mommies, Babies, Grandmas and Grandpas. I don't think I heard her say the word "dad" until she was 2 and a half and started noticing that some of the kids at daycare were picked up by strange men who lived with them. She had a hard time wrapping her head around the whole father hypothesis, but once she accepted the fact that sometimes mommies live with men and babies have two parents, she made the next logical leap and asked about her own status.

At two and a half, she was simply seeking to categorize her world, so the simple, honest answer was "You don't have a dad. You have a mommy and a grandma and a grandpa and aunts and uncles who love you." And at two and a half, that's really all the answer she needed. She wasn't asking for a biology lesson, a mea culpa from her mother, or a promise that her family would someday morph into The Cleavers, she was simply trying to fit her family into this newfound framework. She was happy with the answer "you don't have a dad." Happy enough to announce it, unprompted, to a bus full of strangers on the way home from daycare.

Fast forward a couple of years and the questions started to get a little bit trickier. Aware that while all children may not have dads, they all have fathers, Sabrina wanted to know where hers was. I could have chosen to give her a long, complicated explanation that did more to serve my purposes than to answer the question, but instead, I simply answered the question: "He's not here. He lives far away." That was it. That's all she really wanted to know, and her story simply shifted from "I don't have a dad." to " I have a dad, but he lives far away." Again, she wasn't looking for the whys and wherefores, she was just trying to make sense out of the world and her place in it.

Of course it was inevitable that things would get complicated. Eventually, Diva Girl did want assurances that her family would somehow morph into The Cleavers, and began asking more complicated questions about why that wasn't going to happen. This is where the difficult conversations started; conversations that walked a fine line, dictated by the facts that I'm entitled to my privacy and she's entitled to be as lightly burdened as possible by my baggage. How do you explain to your child that she wasn't wanted? How do you make it not about her? How do you make the unthinkable understandable?

I talk a lot about choices. I don't put value judgments on them, I simply talk about the fact that in any situation, people make choices about how they are going react, and those choices have consequences. I talk about my choice to become Diva Girl's mother, a choice I have never once regretted, and I talk about her father's choice not take parental responsibility. I make it clear that neither of these choices were about her, they were about us and the people we were at that time. I was ready to be Diva Girl's mother--well, I was as ready as anyone who finds herself staring at two unexpected lines on a home pregnancy test can be--but he wasn't ready to be her father.

I don't talk about the reasons behind those choices, however, simply the fact that they were made. I assure Diva Girl that I'm sure her father loves her (a white lie that hurts no one; I know no such thing, and in fact suspect differently), and repeat once again that his decision to absent himself from her life has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with her. I keep my true feelings to myself and allow her to come to her own conclusions.

So, in addition to focussing on choices, I also focus on family. I talk about all the things we do have, rather than what's missing. The wonderful, exciting mix of personalities and circumstances that make us special, unique, and so very blessed to have each other.

I don't think this conversation is over yet, not by a long shot. As Diva Girl gets older and learns more about the ways of men and women, I'm sure she'll have even more complicated questions about those choices, and what they mean to her. I won't poison my daughter's mind against her father--I don't think that helps her any--but I won't spin fairy tales to create gold out of straw, either. After all, it wasn't up to me to build a healthy, positive relationship between this man and my daughter; that was his job. It's my job to build a healthy, positive sense of self for my daughter and to make sure that his choices, and mine, have as little negative impact on her as possible.

And the best way to do that is to keep like lines of communication open, just like in the sex talk.

Comments

wow. i am impressed. not just by what a wise and sensitive mother you are but what a wise and sensitive woman you are. i am planning on adopting as a single mum. i hope i have half as much sense when i become a mother. cheers. s

I like that you are not trying to make reality what it isn't. As a person who has huge dad issues (my own male parental unit, not the kids) it comes in waves. For a while I'm okay with it, then it hits me. I cope with it for a while, then it goes away and eventually it comes back. Seems like different events in my life always bring it up and make me evaluate my male parental unit (I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to call him my dad/father) and it's something I deal with. At a point it stopped being about my mom and started being about me and it's now my burden. How you handle it now will definately will show Diva Girl how to be grounded while dealing with it in the future. Kudos to you!

I could put in a big long comment but am going to go and blog my reply on my on tiny part of the blogosphere, so if you are interested then come on over for a visit.

Hi, delurking to thank you for posting about that. I've been having that ongoing conversation with my daughter, making mostly the same decisions as you. (Except for the little white lie -- it's been terribly tempting to comfort her with that, but I don't want to build her hopes up too much against the impossible hope that he might someday want to meet her.) Fending off her earnest pleas to go visit her dad is probably the most painful thing of being a single parent -- it is the single thing in the world I will never be able to give her, while being so important to her. Talking about sex is a breeze in comparison. While I can't say it's good to see others suffering through the same, it is good to see that others are making the same decisions on how to deal with it. I'm feeling a little more confident in my choices that way.

OHG, are you living my life in a parallel universe! I have two children, have brought them both up without their dads, it sems entirely normal to me but I've had lots of situations where people dont think its normal, to tired to write about them now but will blog about it soon on my new blog, my 5 year old is ill, sinus infection and his tummy ist agreeing with the medication, no sleep for me!

although my son is barely two years old, I am already worried about this dad issue. I know honesty is the best way to do it but I still worry about his reaction and feelings. At this side of the world, coming from a family with no dad is a big no no and I cannot imagine the name calling and issues he'll face when he starts schooling.

thank you for sharing. I just hope I will be as strong when the time comes.

It's hard enough for me, trying to explain to my children why they don't see one of their (still living) grandfathers--I can't imagine trying to walk this line. Kudos to you for handling this with dignity and grace (as you do most everything).

I was reminded of a funny experience as I read your blog. When my son was 2 or 3, he asked me why we didn't have a man living in our house. As I struggled to figure out how to respond (and why he said man and not dad), he added that Stephanie's dad (she was our new, muchly loved babysitter) lived in their house. If we lived with him, then we could see Stephanie every day!
A great reminder that we never know why they're asking!!

As a newly single mother of an age 6 daughter, I try to keep a positive attitude and be an excellent role model for my daughter, I role-play with her, so that she can have "ready" and mature replies to her school-friends who are confused why her daddy and mommy live in separate houses- I think my effort is paying off, so far, despite a friend's warning, my daughter is a socially adjusted,compassionate and emotionally mature (for the most part!) little individual:)

Well, like anything else, simple true works, right?

I think in many ways, it's like explaining to kids why they're adopted. My parents could have said "they didn't want you"-instead, they reminded me I that they were lucky to have me, since they couldn't.

it's not the same, but I can identify, in part. It's all in how you handle it, and it looks like you're doing just fine.

Kimberly,
Thank you! I needed a dose of your honesty today. Well said. Good for you for being so straight with your Diva Girl.

It must be that time of year.....I just had that talk at dinner with my daughter today because her class is doing a project "All About Me" and she is upset about not having the other half of her family tree. Instead of focusing on how our life is incomplete without a man in the house, I talked about how we do so well without one. I pointed out that Mom can fix anything as well as a "dad" can and if I can't, that's when we call one of the uncles to come help out. Our family is made up of a Mom, a Pretty Princess, a Gram & Gramp and lots and lots of Aunts & Uncles & Cousins.

God Luck from one Solo Mom to another.

Kuddos to you for the honesty and sensitivity!!! i'm a new mother to an adorable 6 month baby girl and have already started thinking about how i'll handle "the talk" when its "time"!!! I have absolutely no complaint bout going it alone and am confidant that whether or not I eventually incorporate a father figure into my daughter's life or not, the most important thing to do is to provide her with love and security and make sure she know's what a gem she is in my life!I'm lucky to have a great job and wonderful, large extended family which is very supportive. I think the most important thing is to make sure your kid(s) feel loved, secure and happy and then just keep the communication lines open AND HONEST!!

I love this blog!! It is all true what you have said. My mother found herself alone a few days after I was born and then divorced the following year. My mother made one of the greatest mistakes.... she informed me of all of the negative happenings of her relationship with my father, and believe me I suffered greatly because of it.

Just as your daughter, I was raised with my mother, grandfather, grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins but my mother never really allowed me to see that there was something beautiful and unique with that, instead she focused on her own pain and transfered many of her feelings towards me.

Based on what you are saying, you are doing a fantastic job. Just keep the conversation open and simple in regards to her father's feelings because the older that she gets, she will realize the truth without your "influence".

All the best.

Sincerely,

Alicia Howard
Deja-Fit Lifestyle Fitness Coaching for Women

www.deja-fit.blogspot.com

I have had these exact conversations with my almost 6-year-old daughter and I gave her the exact answers that you did. And she started asking at the same age Diva Girl did, much too soon for my comfort level!

Thank you for posting this. It's an ongoing conversation in our house as well that started out with simple answers and let to her asking why she can't see him. I said the same thing about choices that you did.

I think I found my kindred spirit!

Just wanted to add that I also had the "your daddy loves you, he just can't be with you" type of discussion with my daughter. And it turned out that I was right. When he finally dealt with his own issues he was ready to be part of her life, and found a willing ready child who knew her whole life that "her daddy loved her".

Glad to hear things worked out for you and your daughter Chel, but that's not the talk we have, nor the situation here.

There's no "couldn't be with you" for one thing. Diva Girl's father made a choice, and he's held accountable for that.

There's also no waiting around here. I've been very clear with my daughter that her father is not going to be any part of her life in the foreseeable future. Should she choose to pursue a relationship with him when she's an adult, that's her choice. But the family ship sailed away from the dock without him years ago.

To those of you who said there's something in the air, I think you're right! The three year old Zen Baby informed me today, "I don't have a dad. I just have a mommy and a sister." Smart cookie, she is.

It is so hard when your young person looks at a family of deer or pictures of animals and asks, "Where daddy deer (or insert animal name)?" Keeping that open dialogue is so vital. Honesty is truly the best way to go.

oh my god! i had goosebumps. it was like i was reading my own story. i'm a single mom to 2 beautiful girls and my youngest daughter asked me when she was 3 if we were a happy family. i told her what you told your daughter about grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and the love that bind us. that that is what family is all about. she didn't buy it. she concluded that that we were not a "happy family". years later, she told me that we are indeed a happy family. she wrote me a letter one christmas and told me that she is grateful for everything i've done to raise her and her sister. i cried.

I also had goosebumps. From the moment I decided that I would have the baby that I was pregnant with, I knew that I would have to answer this question at some point. My sons' biological dad and I had broken up before I found out I was pregnant, and when I told him, he made his position very clear, he didn't want any form of involvement whatsoever. I could have pursued child support, but I never wanted my son to know that his father was forced to support him, so I am doing it on my own. One day, my son will want to know where\who his father is, and reading your blog has helped me to formulate my answer. I don't want to put my "side" onto my son, but I also don't want to lie to him. You are an amazing person\mother and have helped me, and probably many others with this sensitive subject matter. Thanks for your ongoing wise words!

Wow, you have just made my night. I was very depressed about being slefish and bringing a baby into this world without its biodad. Im due in two weeks and all I felt like doing was crying and telling my baby how sorry I am that he/she wont have its biodad around. After reading this article, I feel a lot better and assured that I made a great decision and its not my fault the biodad isnt there. Thank you!

My daughter is 3. I was with her dad until she was 9 months old but had to leave because he quit working, started getting wasted and not coming home, and was cheating on me with 18 year old girls. She has had limited, supervised visits with him over the years but we moved out of state about 4 1/2 months ago. He is bi-polar, does not pay child support, sells drugs and is a user, and although he is 30 years old, he lives in the laundry room of a house filled with kids under 21. Although he has been a horribly abusive jerk to me, I have made a conscious decision not to say anything negative around her. I just tell her that he loves her but that he isn't able to take care of her or to live with us. She never seemed to mind, but lately she has said that she wants to see him and has been asking if she can call him on the phone. So far, she has talked to him 3 times, but I am unsure if I should allow it. It is just so hard to see her longing for something she has never had and will probably never have with her father.

My cousin sent me this link after my post today; I'm saving it.

Saving it as my bible.

meet u dear friend