Book Club: Single Mom Seeking

Did you know today is Single Parents' Day? How cool is that, that in addition to Mother's Day and Father's Day, we get another day all to ourselves?

In honour of Single Parents' Day, I present my long overdue review of Rachel Sarah's memoir, Single Mom Seeking.

Every mother has a story. A narrative of how she came to be in the place she is in, the person she is. Yet even though many of these stories bear striking similarities, they also have their differences. Rachel Sarah and I are, superficially, very similar mothers. We're the same age. Our daughters are very nearly the same age. And we are both solo mothers.

That's where the differences begin. Differences in circumstance. In attitude. In approach.

Rachel Sarah never intended to be a solo mom. She and her boyfriend, Eric, were going to raise their daughter together, forming a perfectly balanced family triangle. And then she came home from Thanksgiving Dinner, their seven month old daughter in her arms, to find that triangle shattered, left listing to one side in the face of his sudden and total absence from their lives.

I never intended to be a solo mom, either, but I knew even before the stick turned blue that I would be. That my family would consist of myself and my daughter, balancing each other, perhaps imperfectly, but balancing nonetheless.

When Rachel began her life as a single mom, she was so overcome by the shock, and the stigma, that at first she couldn’t even utter the words. She shied away from the definition, unwilling to announce to the world a fact that she was barely willing to acknowledge to herself. Now, nearly seven years into this existence she never chose for herself, Rachel has come to terms with her single mom status, going so far as to title her memoir, “Single Mom Seeking.”

I like Rachel. I like her in person (or whatever the internet equivalent of that is), and I liked her on paper. Which is what made parts of the book hard for me to take; at times, I just wanted to reach into the pages, shake her, and ask “what are you thinking?” Given that it is a memoir, we are treated to some of her thoughts on her various relationship misadventures, but not enough for my taste. To be honest, I would’ve liked to hear more about the single mom aspect of her life, and less about the seeking.

But maybe that’s because I get it when Rachel writes about being a single mom. I recognize the heaps of laundry. I’ve lived the exercise in military planning that a trip to the drugstore to buy tampons can become. And I certainly understand the desire to just fedex a guy from boyfriendstore.com, not to mention the need to entertain him in the living room. I just don’t get the seeking part.

I’m sure part of that is because I never was very good at dating anyway, so the idea of having binders full of blind dates is, to me, the equivalent of the third circle of hell. But it’s more than just distaste for dating; I do have 2 children after all. It’s also a difference in philosophy and approach. Where Rachel saw her two person family as broken, I have always seen mine as intact. That fundamental difference in perspective has shaped us both, as parents and as people.

While I may occasionally share my bed with a man, my life—and more importantly, my daughters’—is another story. In my story, happily ever after happens without the Prince Charming, and there are no “uncles” or stepfathers, wicked or otherwise, in the cast of characters. Rachel and I agree that the life of a single mom need not resemble that of a nun, but that’s where we part ways. In my life, I’ve made a conscious decision to keep my social life separate from my children; in Rachel’s, they are often tangled together, including a memorable occasion where her daughter, Mae, is brought along on a date from hell that shows Rachel once and for all that there are worse things in life than being a single mom.

Even though ostensibly what she’s seeking is a man to complete her life—to take the “single” out of her single mom--the true story that shines through each tale of dating disaster is Rachel’s quest to find herself, and who she is as both a woman and a mother.

When she first decides to jump back into the dating pool, she claims that she’s only in it for the sex, telling friends it’s “no problem!” when they warn her not to get attached, that their fix up is only one night stand potential. Of course, it is a problem as Rachel begins spinning happily ever after fantasies before the second date—which ends with him sneaking out at 3 am, effectively ending happily ever after before it’s even begun.

Her next attempt turns out a little better— Three weeks after meeting Victor, eighteen month old Mae is playing right along with Rachel's fantasies of balanced triangles and instant families to replace the one she's lost, calling him Daddy. The situation becomes complicated when the real daddy makes one of his intermittent appearances, however, and three weeks later, Victor and Eric have both disappeared, leaving Rachel and Mae alone to balance each other once again.

The decision to move back to California changes the dynamic as, with the addition of her father and a cadre of single moms who tell it like it is, Rachel’s broken triangle is reshaped into a circle of family and friends who help her find her feet and keep her balance, even when she’s wearing her first date skirt and heels. There are still losers aplenty, especially when she takes the plunge into the world of online dating, but now there are also voices of reason, such as her friend Siobhan, who teaches Rachel the mantra “never go back for more where there is only less.”

Rachel does eventually learn to make better choices, and to see her family more clearly for what it is and not for what it isn’t. She learns to stop seeing her family as less, even while she continues to search for more, and eventually manages to let go of her fantasies, raise her standards, and stop confusing Mr. Right Now with Mr. Right.

What is hardest about reading a memoir like this that it’s not fiction. In fiction, we can be comfortable that the choices made by a character weren’t real and didn’t actually mess anyone up, but this is a memoir, which means we are talking about the real lives of real people. And in the real world, all choices have consequences, so I just can’t feel completely comfortable with Rachel learning how to protect herself from the emotional turmoil of adult dating when so much of the book consisted of leaving her daughter so very vulnerable to repeated abandonment by one man after another.

I will compliment Rachel for her brave portrayal of a woman who was traumatized by her sudden change of circumstances, floundered for a time, and then found her strength and integrity again. I won’t say the portrayal was unflinching. There were times when I was left unsatisfied by the details left out and the thoughts not followed to their conclusion. It’s not that she’s not entitled to her privacy, but rather that the point of a memoir is to make the reader understand a life, and even though our lives are similar in so many ways, there were many times that I simply didn’t understand.

I’m trying to, though. Single Mom Seeking has made me reflect about my own values, and some of my prejudices, about dating and motherhood. I realized that I’m not entirely certain which is which. Kids benefit from having a lot of influences in their lives, and from mothers who are vibrant, fulfilled women. But they are also vulnerable to the damage of abandonment that is the almost inevitable result of a failed relationship. How each mother balances those issues is an intensely personal decision, and I’m not sure there is one right answer to the questions the subject brings up. I am glad that Rachel decided to tell her story, and to get us all thinking about them.

Now it’s your turn. What did you think about Single Mom Seeking? What do you think about dating with kids? Write your own post and link to it, or put your thoughts in the comments below. Rachel and I are eager to hear what you have to say.

Comments

Happy Single Parent Day!

Your attitude of "my family is intact" instead of thinking it is broken must make a huge difference to how your daughters feel. The three of you are a real, solid family together, instead of a partial unit needing to constantly seek something in order to be complete. Bravo.

You had left me a comment on one of my posts on my blog that said "And your home isn't broken. It's still a home. It may be a different home, but that doesn't make it any less valuable than it was before." and that really stuck with me.
Personally, I'd rather read Solo Mom than Single Mom Seeking anyday.

I've just started reading it and will be posting a review on my blog when I'm done. It certainly is very interesting food for thought.

Wait, she let her daughter call a guy "daddy" when they had been dating for 3 weeks?! I don't even have words to describe my feelings of revulsion for that level of insensitivity to a child's emotions.

I wholeheartedly agree with Kirsten's comment. How needy is someone that they put their daughter through that? It is frightening to me that she thought it was okay to have her daughter call what is effectively a total stranger her daddy.
I am a solo mom by choice, however, as much as I would love to have a partner, not so much that it becomes the driving force in my life, and not so much that I put my son through that kind of emotional roller coaster.

Hey guys. I just wanted to say that while I'm always excited when people are inspired to comment, we need to remember that we're talking about a real person here. Rachel isn't a fictional character, she's a real person with real feelings.

By all means, post your thoughts and opinions. Even if those thoughts and opinions are negative. Just do so with some compassion and respect, ok. Glass houses, first stones, and all that jazz.

Lisa, please link back here when you post your thoughts about the book; I'm really looking forward to reading your take on it.

Lady M, thanks. I won't lie and say Diva is completely unaffected by her non-nuclear family, but I hope the positive attitude helps to make it easier for her to cope.

Trysha, thank you. I'm a teacher, and the one thing we love to hear is that something we said made a difference in someone's life. You made my day.

Ok, so, let's go back to talking about the book.

Bueller?

Bueller?

Bueller?

First i have to admit to not having read the book. I would like to know how Rachel handles things now? does Mae still get involved with the dates? and I guess I want to know if Mae's stability is a priority now?
I have been a solo mum since two weeks after BG was conceived, if I dated, (rarely, by choice!) I made sure that she had no idea for at least six months of the relationship. In fact to this day she has no idea who Jboo's dad is, she never even knew he came visiting.
The other thing is, Who on earth gave her the idea that she was worthless without a man? and has she dealt with that issue, because Rachel, I know that to have survived 7 years with a child "on your own" is testament to the fact that you are one hell of a woman and a man is a want not a need!

I think you have written a really balanced and fair review. I haven't read the book, and I have some conflicted feelings about the topic, so it doesn't seem entirely fair to blog about it, though.

Hello everyone,
I'm in Seattle for the book tour, so I've finally logged in.
Kimberly you for the very thoughtful, detailed review -- I appreciate hearing your thoughts. I hope to address them when I've had more sleep….

I'd love everyone to know that when you and I initially talked about having a dialogue like this -- about dating as a single mom -- I was really psyched. You said that you had some issues you wanted to raise, and I encouraged you. I did say, however, that I was a little leery about being judged. I've been criticized by many men -- but this is the first time that single moms have been this harsh.

I really appreciate any dialogue about single parenting, but I don't understand why some women find it necessary to lash out at each other, such as:
"I'd rather read Solo Mom than Single Mom Seeking any day."
"Wait, she let her daughter call a guy "daddy" when they had been dating for 3 weeks?! I don't even have words to describe my feelings of revulsion..."

[Ran out of room!]

I'm taken aback by the insensitivity.

In defense: In case you don't know, my daughter's father walked out the door when she was 7 months old. Now she's almost 7, and we haven't seen her father since. It took me a couple of years to get over him. No, I'm not a victim.

I started to go into a long defense about the day that my two-year-old daughter tested out the word "Daddy" on a friend.... but I'll just say:

No, I'm not desperate.

I'm a 34-year-old attractive woman who loves being a mom more than anything else in the world. I also love my job, my family, and my friends. If you really knew me -- or asked anyone in my community who knows me-- then you know that my core and my heart is my daughter.

She's my No. 1.

Anyway, Kimberly, thanks for keeping the focus on the book -- and on the reality of what it's like to date again when you're a single parent; or why you might decide not to date again.

I'm looking forward to the dialogue.

I was asked for an opinion...just a preference. Fair enough.

I’m a solo mom, 25 years old with a 3 year old. I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I was doing it all alone and never had to go through the trauma that Rachel did with the complete and total abandonment that she experienced. Those of you who have read the book have an idea of how devastating it must have been. I wish I had brought the book with me to work today so I could reference it, but I’ll have to go solely on memory here.

I related to her story in many ways. As much as I’ve tried to get used to being alone these past 3 ½ years, I have these moments of weakness where I feel this overwhelming loneliness and think “this can’t be my life forever”. It’s human nature to desire intimacy with another human being – and if that’s what you would like to call “needy”, then so be it…keep living that façade until you really know how it feels to not speak to anyone in person for weeks at a time. We all handle our situations differently and we all choose to raise our children differently. Rachel teaches her daughter what a condom is for, while I couldn’t imagine what kind of silly dreamed-up story I’d tell my daughter had she found my condoms. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? There isn’t one. So please, stop being so judgmental. I really take offense to some comments on here. Which brings me to Mae calling Rachel’s boyfriend daddy…correct me if I’m wrong (as I said I don’t have the book in front of me right now),

but Mae was 2 I believe. My daughter called my brother daddy for about 2 months at that age (which means she’s just stopped and now thinks that all men are called daddies). It’s not going to scar her for life, she won’t even remember it. It makes me angry that instead of us discussing the book at hand, I feel the need to defend Rachel’s actions. So on to the book…

I loved the story about Rachel inviting the UPS guy over when she lived in New York and Mae started throwing a fit and wanted to be nursed right then and there. That made me laugh out loud. The book does progress to Rachel making better decisions, and I believe that’s due to the fact that in the beginning she never expected to be a single mom…while those of us who had 9 months to prepare for it did our research and had time to prepare ourselves for how we were going to raise our children on our own.

And Rachel, why didn’t you ever have a sofa? Girl…Sofa from Goodwill…50 bucks, steam vac rental to clean off all the previous owner’s germs…30 bucks, not having to entertain a date on the living room hardwood floor? PRICELESS! What the book has helped me to realize: I’ve dated one guy that I met through match.com. He was a doctor (ooh la la) and was very intelligent and in to me, except I never felt a connection. I’ve dated one guy that I met through friends who was much more compatible and fun. So I have to agree with Rachel, it is much better when friends set you up rather than going on blind dates through an online dating service. Chances are, if your friends know them then they’ll know whether you’ll have anything in common before you meet them and they can give you insight about the guy before hand. It’s a great book Rachel…bravo to you for your courage in putting it down on paper!

If you can't read what I typed up there, I posted it here...to make sure you can. ;P

Rachel, thanks for not taking your toys and going home. I think you have to be prepared for the idea that not everyone is going to agree with your choices, including, if not especially, other mothers. However, I think you have every right to expect that they express their differing points of view in a respectful manner.

Julia, thanks for chiming in. Great to have a perspective from someone else who read the book. I think you've made some good points, but I'm gonna disagree on your defense of the "daddy incident." To my mind, there's a big difference between a man who has been a consistent and stable part of your child's life, and a guy mom has known for 3 weeks.

I'm really looking forward to hearing some other voices as well and to talking to Rachel about all of your observations. I also don't necessarily think you must have read the book to have questions. I think if you are a single mom, or were raised by a single mom, you've definitely got perspective on the issues that can really add to the convo

I may have misunderstood. If the kid was just trying out the word once or twice, that's no big. I thought this behaviour was being encouraged by the mom. That, I'd have a problem with -- problem doesn't even begin to describe it.

I'm bringing some baggage to the discussion. I know someone with a 4 year old daughter who is encouraging said daughter to call her (the mom's) boyfriend "Daddy" as a manipulation tactic, and my head nearly explodes every time I hear it happen. But I guess I mis-read, and that isn't what was going on there.

I haven't read the book, just the review. Context is everything, eh?

Wow, its great to get to see some more of the book, Im lucky I will be getting a copy sent to me soon. In all honesty although I haven't read the book, I take my hat off to anyone who is living life as a solo mum as well as having the confidence to get back into dating. I lacked the confidence to go back out there again and so it has taken me until BG is 5 and a half to find the man of my dreams, at least you have the guts to make a go of it.

Kirsten, context *is* everything, and frankly I think we need some. So, to clarify, an excerpt:

"She still points right at Victor's reflection. "Daddy," she says.

No one corrects her.

...

"That was kind of intense," I say, "when she called you 'Daddy.'...How did you feel when she said that? " I ask.

"Like an imposter."

"Why?"

"It doesn't seem right. How can I take responsibility for something that I had no part in?"

"But are you ok with it?"

"Yes," he whipsers, holding on to my waist.

I relax into him. I don't say anything else, but somehow, this all feels so natural. She's not just "my" baby anymore. She's becoming *our* baby.

Here I go again, wanting to have the perfect family--even though we've known each other only three weeks. But it's so easy to make Victor the daddy after such a short time."

I'm sorry Rachel, but that sounds like much more than "trying out the word on a friend."

I haven't read the book, so perhaps I should not have judged. However, I work in the field of child protection, and all too often, I have gone to homes where the mother has had multiple men in and out and has encouraged her children to call these people daddy, only to have them leave shortly thereafter. I have seen the devastating and damaging impact that this has on the children. Can you imagine being a little child and having someone to call daddy only to have that person leave? Regardless of not having read the book three weeks is too soon into anything to make any serious decisions especially one like your child calling a person daddy.
I read Kimberly's post with the longer excerpt and akin to what she wrote, that certainly sounds like more than practicing a word. That sounds like a person who wants their child to have this person as their daddy.
No, I haven't been in your place, however, I too have had traumatic experiences, and I would not put my "issues" and needs onto my child in any way.

Kimberly,
Thanks for typing out the excerpt. Yes, I'll agree with everyone that hindsight is everything. I'll agree that I made a mistake.

My daughter was 18 months old at the time. Victor was a friend of a friend, not an online stranger. I trusted him. But yes, at this time, I was still getting over the abandonment, I was still struggling with the "single" bit.

Today, seven years later, I see my little family as very intact, perfect. But during that time in my life, I was still reaching out -- instead of looking in. I was still thinking that The Man was the answer.

I guess I was bold enough to admit my mistakes in the book. Looking back today, I could have tried to convince my daughter NOT to call him "Daddy." Or, I could have asked Victor to tell her, "Please call me Victor, okay?"

But again, Mae was only 18 months old. For the record, Victor is still a friend. He's still a part of m life.

P.S. Mae also called my dad "Pa" for over a year. Haven't other toddlers gone through this??

Not a solo mom here, just a fan of the blog.

I wanted to chime in and say that I've heard lots of kids in that age range call all men "Daddy" and all women "Mommy." It might not have the connotation that we adults put on the words.

Lots of kids call random people Mommy and Daddy and its no big deal. Lots of moms don't get all excited when their kid calls some random guy daddy though. I think that was wrong. It wasn't the kids behavior that was a problem, it was the moms. I also think if you met the guy 3 wks ago he's some random guy.

Strange , that while Mae was allowed to call some stranger her daddy , she was told to call me , her biological father by my first name . Which was round about the same time ...

According to what I read, Mae was not *told* to call her father anything. She was given the information that her father was present, and that his name was Eric. Mae made her own choices from there.

And I have to say, that while I have some issues with Rachel's reaction to Mae calling Victor "daddy," I don't think a man who abandoned his child before her first word has any say as to what she's calling other men. If being called "Daddy" was so important to Eric, he should have stuck around and *been* "Daddy."

Mae's Daddy, there will be no sympathy for you here, nor will there be a forum for you to harrass Rachel.

I did'nt come here for sympathy , nor did I come to harrass . I just stated a fact of the situation , more than you could have gained from reading a book .

And before you try to lecture me on what I should have done , it would be wise to get your facts straight ...

If you have issues with Rachel Sarah and how Eric was depicted in her memoir, you need to take them up with her. The comments section of a blog is not the appropriate place for that discussion.

Let me state for the record, however, that while I've questioned some of Rachel's choices, I wholeheartedly support the way she's protected her daughter from the man who was supposed to be her father.

Everyone else seems to be discussing it . How did she protect her daughter from the men who were'nt her father ?

Read the book and find out, Anna. (Who mysteriously has the same IP address as "mae's daddy". hmmm)

Has Rachel been the perfect mother, solo or otherwise? No. She herself admits right here that she's made mistakes, and that there are things that she'd do differently now than she did them then.
And that's ok, because parenting is a process and kids are fairly resilient for a reason.

I've not been the perfect solo mom either. I've made mistakes, made some bad choices, occasionally put my wants above my kids.

And you know what? I challenge any mother to claim that she's done differently. (And even if you do, I won't believe you. I'll just pity you your self-delusions.)

Its no mystery , we share the same computer . ( figure it out hmmmm ) I'm not saying Rachel is not a good mother , I just wonder why she would need to protect her daughter from her father yet expose her to men who are'nt . I also asked why you chose to jump on him for commenting on the said topic , but no one else who did the same . Taken from your own words , he's a real person also so treat him with equal respect . Oh ,and I'm a mother also .

Hey look-two people with the same IP, the same difficulty with using contractions, comma's and spacing, and yet they are two different people?

Hmmmm indeed.

Anna, I will reiterate that if you and Eric have issues with how he was portrayed in Rachel's book, you need to take it up with her. On her blog, or with her lawyer. If you found her here, I'm sure you can find that.

I will say, that based on what I know of Eric from the book, I completely agree with Rachel's decisions. Men who abandon their children don't get to waltz back in, no questions asked. Nor do they deserve my respect.

I did not "jump on" mae's daddy. And my reply had nothing to do with the inappropriateness of Mae calling Victor "daddy." It had everything to do with this man a)claiming that Mae was instructed NOT to call Eric "daddy" and b) the ridiculous sense of entitlement if this man was actually implying that, after being absent more than half her life, he had any paternal standing at all.

At least Victor was there, taking her to the park, buying her popsicles, throwing her in the air, doing dad things. If I had to make a call as to who deserved the title more, I'd say Victor.

I nor Eric have any issues with Rachel . He read your blog , commented on a topic and was attacked by you for it . He was simply stating a fact as he knew it from being in the situation .

By the way , where is daddy Victor now ? Who's delusional ?
Have a nice blog.

Daddy Victor is still in Rachel's life, actually. And Mae's. He's a valued friend. I seem to recall that Daddy Eric's parental rights were revoked, however. So I'm thinking that the bipolar alcoholic and his partner are the delusional ones, since you asked.

I do have a nice blog. Thanks for noticing.

Hey guys, much as I love to get both sides of a story this is getting a little ridiculous. Eric/Anna do you have a blog of your own? I would love to see your side of the story but name calling and general grumpiness isn't the way to get anyone's point across.

Your right it is a bit ridiculous . I made a comment and was attacked for no reason . I never disrespected anyone or intended to . Nor have I called anyone out of name . I simply stated a fact from a situaion I have first hand knowledge of , not from a biased interpretaion of it .

Eric, I'm not sure what you intended by your comment, other than to imply that Rachel had somehow done wrong by you, allowing Mae to call her boyfriend "Daddy" while also allowing her to call you by your first name.

And, since that's the way I read it, I made it clear that 1) I won't allow Rachel to be harrassed by her exboyfriend on my blog, and 2) I agree with her. I stand by what I said earlier; I don't think you have any more right to the title of "Daddy" than any other guy Mae happened to meet on the street, and I feel that under the circumstances you deserved it far less than Victor did. Daddy's aren't simply sperm donors and contributing your chromosomes is not some great feat that gives you rights in perpetuity regardless of your behaviour.

I'm not really interested in your "facts" and differing scenarios. This is about Rachel and her perspective. If yours differs, get yourself a book deal and find people interested in discussing it.

Wow, ok, so I am going to totally change the subject, k?

I am THRILLED to have found this blog! I am a single mom, 34 years old, great, energenic, loving and VERY BUSY three year old boy. His father is not in his life, and has not been since he was 15 months old. He lives about a mile away and hasn't seen his son in more than two years. >> We broke up when I found out I was preggers (had only been dating about a month, that was fun...) and when I had Zack he claimed to want to do the right thing but really just messed with my head.

To Rachel, I haven't read your book, but plan to. Couple things: My son went through the same thing, calling everyone Daddy. When he did it to an ex boyfriend of mine who I was thinking about getting back together with it tears at the heart strings a bit. You start seeing visions of the new guy adopting your son and you won't have to be so alone anymore.

Ok, I wasn't done...

From seeing the quote from the book, I didn't get the feel that you were encoraging it, I got the feel that you were secretly hoping for it, and I think if we all take a good long look, we have all done that silently or out loud at one point. Don't let anyone beat you up over that.

Also, just want to say thank you for having the courage to tell your story. It is hard to put yourself, all the things you question, your thoughts, your dreams, all of it out there for anyone and everyone to judge and comment on. I think you are very brave, and I commend you!!!