Tired

I feel like I'm a house of cards, precariously balanced on a razor's edge. I feel like the slightest puff of wind will send me toppling, that the slightest tremour will send me crashing down.

I won't, of course. I've withstood far more in my life, but I'm tired this week.

I'm tired of being poor. Of never having any money. I'm tired of the constant juggling of want and need, of living with a constant calculator in the back of my mind, or living with the consequences when I don't.

Balancing, I get. That feeling of standing on top of a spinning ball, rolling with it and not falling off. That I can do. But I hate this feeling I've had the past couple of weeks of constantly having the rug pulled out from under me. Like everytime I think it's done, that nothing else irritating, frustrating, or just plain crappy is going to happen, I lose my bus pass, get an unexpected bill, break the zipper on my favourite pair of boots, or find out that our boundary exemption for Diva Girl's school won't be renewed for next year.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions, and like I'm breaking and not bending under the pressure.

I'm tried of Diva Girl's whining about the indignities of having to do her homework all by herself. I'm tired of the Shaolin Toddler chasing the cat and then screaming when it bites her. I'm tired of the toys and clothes and crumbs scattered throughout my apartment. I'm tired of hearing my angry voice.

I'm tired of feeling stressed and worn out and like there's a storm cloud over my head. Somebody tell me something good.

Comments

I think that today, YOU deserve that chocolate. :) Along with a hot bubble bath and a glass of wine after the Ladies have gone to bed. I have always honestly believed that for every bad day in my life there is a good one on the way. It may take some time to get here, but it's coming.

I hear ya, I also have messenger so if ya want to have a chat you know where I live so drop me a line and we can have coffee together.

Winter will end eventually. Spring will come again. I know exactly how you feel.

hey chickie, its so tuff just trucking on day after day, i so know what ur feeling. BUT you do not need to hear that cause you know its tru!! I am hoping the truck turns into a beautiful red porshe!!
Its ok to dream!!
Good luck chickie

How to you introduce a hamburger?

Meet Patty

I know how you feel, and I hope the tough stuff will pass soon. I figure it all goes in cycles... things are all calm for a while, then things get nuts and not-so-great, then things calm down again. You just need an extra-long calm cycle. And some good chocolate.

As for a funny thought...

Picture my 10-yr old singing "I'm too sexy" as Gaston in Beauty and the Beast (his next play)... trust me, it's a funny image!

my god, that sounds like exactly what I said to my mum on the phone last night! I know, its february, its cold, well its raining here, christmas has passed and things to plan for like easter seema long way off! I too have had the feb blues but I feel a little better today, I think its because its the weekend and I mentally give myself time off on sats & suns!

omg im doing the same thing with my kids.....i'm just so tired i just want to go to bed for days.

I am a new mom, my son is four months old. I too am a solo mom, living with my sister and my niece. I totally hear you on the money thing. As a Canadian, I am blessedly lucky enough to get maternity benefits from the gov't for a year. I can't imagine if I would have had to go back to work six weeks after I had my little guy. Here we get 55% of our income maxing out to 412$ a week, so while not a lot, it's great to have it. However, I am finding myself quickly running out of money as my benefits cover my living expenses, bills, car, and I have been using my savings to pay for food, gas, diapers, formula etc..., and I woke up last night at 3 am in a panic that I was not going to make it financially. I was up for three hours reeling from the stress which particularly sucked as my little one was sleeping away. He is finally sleeping for long periods of time (knock on wood), and I am up anyhow stressing about how I am going to provide for us. Man, this solo mom stuff is hard, I can't imagine how you do it with 2.

I'm gassy and can't stop farting in public.

:)

I don't know what to say, since we have enough tightness issues and there's two of us. Can't imagine doing it alone. Although sometimes I wonder if it would make me better with money to be forced to be broke.

Eat some ice cream, and watch beaches. You'll feel better after a good cry.

Hot chocolate to the rescue! I really hope that tomorrow brings you some rest.

Q and SwingDaddy are mostly recovered from their illnesses, so we're a more cheerful household now. No Saturday night trip to the ER this weekend! Well, so far - the night isn't over yet and I shouldn't tempt fate. ;)

A few weeks ago, you left a note in response to my reporting my colleague's frustration at the skanky clothes at the mall for tweens. I passed along the tip to try H&M and she was thrilled. Thanks!

Kimberly, thank you for your honesty and for being so real... it goes a long way in this world. You're a great mama, please know that.

I hope by now you've had a chance to rest and recover a little.

I do know what it's like to barely keep one's head above water. It's exhausting.

Try to take care of yourself.

I've been following your blog for a while now and I have a suggestion for you...work. Get a full time job like so many other people. You want nice things, and not to worry about money - earn it. Or accept the trade off - you're home with your girls and work when you feel like it. That's fantastic. Accept that you've given up financial stability to do so.

I have to agree with Stephanie on this one. It's hard for me to feel sorry for you when I have to leave my 2 kids every day and work to provide for them and myself and you work sometimes and stay home and have tea parties.

Dude Kimberly...I'm so sorry everything is crappy lately. If you lived near me, you'd definitely have an invitation to escape and come to our big Mardi Gras ball this weekend. Hell, we could double up on a babysitter! I'm really sorry..I hate when things get like that in my life. Spring is just around the corner and everything's about to start getting much better...so hang in there!

I've got to say something... to the 2 people who made the completely unsupportive comments. I am, like Kimberly, a solo mom of 2. I work full time (college grad, put myself thru) and money is T-I-G-H-T. Working 40+ hrs a week does NOT guarantee money woes go away. It's HARD, financially, to raise 2 alone. I leave my 2 kids every day to go to work and I feel EMPATHY for Kimberly... a completely different emotion from feeling sorry for someone.

It's always best to remember that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Aw, thanks Rebecca. It's easy to make judgments about situations you don't really know a lot about, though. I think we're all guilty of thinking because we read those snippets that bloggers choose to reveal that we have a real understanding about the intricacies of someone's life. I know I've been guilty of it, so I'm not going to get too bent when others do it to me. The empathy is nice, though. Because it is tough. And money can make even the best situations harder. Stupid money.

To all of you who made me smile, thanks. Farts and silly puns and ridiculous images are always funny.

February sucks. As do paycheques that get lost in the mail.

Echoing Rebecca! Another single mother here. I make decent money. I budget very carefully. Yet I still live paycheque to paycheque. No savings, no rrsp's, no resps .... I don't splurge .. it's just part & parcel of being a single mother it seems! Which, is definiely wearing especially when added to the bazillion little things we deal with every day.

Everyone deserves their feelings; Kimberly I'm sorry for your tiredness & frustration!

Something good ... hot chocolate with marshmallows, cuteoverload.com, Western's cheap movie prices, the Dollar Store, picnics on the carpet, cereal for dinner once in a while, letting the kiddo(s in your case) put their own toppings on the pizza, the Children's library downtown, ChildReach, friends, knowing your kiddos love you & in turn know they are so very loved, home-made play-dough, towels fresh out of the dryer, giggles ..... wishing you some smiles!

I guess farts and silly puns would make you smile. It is always nice to smile while the ship is sinking.
Seriously! GET. REAL.

It is unfuriating that you incessantly whine about the trials and tribulations of being a 'solo mom' yet claim in the very same breath to embrace it.

GET. A. JOB.

I can truly identify with your plight.
However, while I am on the path to solo mom, I am constantly involved in court proceedings,and with a very nasty and unethical attorney who is my . . .I don't know what to call him right now. . but you know who's attorney. I've been placed in a situation where I must truly fight for every minute and every penny. Things always seem (and are) in a state of flux. Cherishing my son, however, and our time together is the light of my life regardless of whatever else is going on at the time. The successes, no matter how small they may seem, are definitely worth the fight. Just when I think I can't provide something for my son, something comes my way to help me. I believe that the supportive comments are what is really needed here, as some others have said. The gift is seeing the "firsts" in your child's life and knowing that you were able, somehow, to be the one there for it all. Time is the greatest gift of all that we can give our children. No Mom can ever deny that.

i can relate to both sides. i was once a single mother of 3 kids. it was not a choice for myself whether or not to work. my children had to see at one of their parents will stand up and be strong for them and do the right thing. i had to work 2 & 3 jobs to support my kids. i had to be at work at 3 30 in the morning.then go directly from one job to the next. there were days i got to see my kids for 10 min between jobs (rarely.) yes, there were tears shedded between my children and myself. so, you can only imagine what i missed out on with my kids. i heard about things several days after they happened, it was so heartbreaking. missed out on school plays and all the other neat stuff kids and parents share. but you have to stand up straight and tall, be the toughest you have ever been in your life, and take on the world and everything that is thrown at you on a day to day basis. i have met the man of my dreams, and dont have to work like that any longer. be patient, and you will be rewarded.good luck to all!

Jerri, I'm really glad that you're happy, and that you've got the life you dreamed of. But I feel the need to pop in and say, I in so way think of a man as some sort of "reward" for my life. If I wanted a man in my life, that would be easily accomplished. I don't. I do choose my life, and am normally very happy with it.

I also, to clear up a misconception of some commenters, have a job. In fact, I have two. But I also have bills and wants and needs just plain day to day frustrations and moods. And because I don't believe in presenting a sunshine and puppies view of the world, sometimes I talk about those. It doesn't mean we're close to homeless. It doesn't mean that my kids are starving. It doesn't mean I'm waiting for Prince Charming to rescue us or teaching my girls to rely on others. It means I'm in a bad mood and blogging about it.

kimberly, i meant no disrespect on my comments. i merely told what my kids and i went through. i can relate. just having someone (my boyfriend) there to help with the daily duties i once had to take care of by myself, is a great relief after having to do it all by myself for years. i at one time said i didnt want a man in my life either,(i said it for years), but things change as time passes by. your views on life and opinions. your exactly right, its a hard and cold world out there. your reward will be grand and well deserved whatever it may be. and i wasnt waiting on prince charming, it just happened. once again, i meant no disrespect.

Jerri,

Thanks for coming back. I'm not offended, and I hope you're not either. Since you've been there, you know how many people will tell you that all you need is a man to take care of things for you, and you know how...unwelcome that sentiment can be.

Honestly, I think my reward will be to have 2 happy, well adjusted, responsible young women look back on their lives and think, "Mom did alright. We didn't have much, but I never really noticed how hard it must've been during those lean years. She always made sure that she had everything we needed and some of what we wanted. And she never made us feel like a burden while she did it."

And again, Jerri, I'm really happy that you found your Prince Charming, and I hope you get the happily ever after this time too.

kimberly, no offense taken. i couldnt tell you how many times i heard that! i can tell you it started making me mad after a while. but, no one has a clue unless theyve walked at least around a block in our shoes. and i will say it takes a strong person to be a single parent. HOORAY to all the single parents out there making a go at their lives for themselves and their children.

i just discovered your blog today and am very happy that i did. i'm a solo mom of a 5 year old girl. this is how i have felt this past month. it's nice to know that i am not the only one. i can't wait for spring fever to hit me. it's usually an energizing time for me and hopefully for you all too.

Being a solo mom is a difficulty but at least it has its rewards. I look into my 5 year old daughter's eyes,whom I choose to call Dramatica, and see the love. Or on another stressed out day of dealing with doing it alone, I look at my 5 month old boy's sweet smiling eyes and remember why I call him My Calm One. I know those days when it seems nothing can go right but only wrong. Those days are the days for starting over by living second to second until it changes. Being a solo mom means haing to have extra love, patience and tolerance.