So, I have to wonder: Do the 57% of iVillage respondents who felt that cocktails have no place at a playdate also agree with Meredith Vieira's implication that there's really not much difference between a babysitter and a parent?

I've been leaving this particular can of worms alone for a variety of reasons; for one thing, a lot of bloggers out there have spoken very eloquently on the subject, and for another, I work for NBC. Hand that feeds you and all that. But the babysitter comment, and the dismissive attitude towards motherhood that it implies, was offensive. I get the intent behind the question Meredith Vieria asked--"what's the difference between the babysitter choosing to have a glass of wine at playgroup and a mother making that choice?"--but I do not accept the premise.

It bothers me that a media outlet as powerful as The Today Show is playing into the Mommy Wars this way, and that a personality with as much pop culture clout as Meredith Vieira--herself a mother--is calling me a babysitter. I've worked hard for my credibility as a mother--as a solo mother, a working mother, and a stay-at-home mother. I refuse to accept that my role in my children's life is interchangeable with that of the woman I pay $4 an hour to watch my daughter while I'm at work.

I have the utmost respect for caregivers. My mother was a home daycare provider for my entire childhood, and I do understand just how much work this job entails, and how valuable it is. My point, however, is that it IS a job. No matter how much a babysitter or caregiver may feel like she is raising someone else's children, the fact is, they are someone else's children and she is not the parent.

I think the question was meant to be provocative, to make us question why it's ok for one group of people--mothers--to enjoy a glass of wine while supervising a playdate, but not another. However, the question ignores the central fact that mothers are not babysitters. We are the parents. We make the rules, decide on the values, and bear the full brunt of responsibility for these beings. Motherhood, while occasionally a chore, is not a job. It's life.

That's the final answer to Meredith's question, if you ask me. It has nothing to do with Melissa Summer's point about alcohol tolerance and everything to do with the fact that there is a very real difference between reality and pretend, between living your life and doing your job. When you are a mother, you are a mother 24/7, regardless of the circumstances of your day or where your child is. You are still the person in charge, the person ultimately accountable for the health and well being of those children. You may share that responsibility for a time with a caregiver, but it's still your responsibility, and one that the caregiver, unlike a parent, can assume or discard at will. When the time is up, the babysitter is off duty to do as she pleases; I've yet to see a time sheet for motherhood. And I wouldn't want to clock out on one even if I did. Like the majority of parents out there--single, partnered, working, and staying at home--I want to live my life with my kids, not around them.

Comments

Wow do I feel behind the times! Ok, we have playgroup but it has never occurred to any of us to include alcohol. As a parent I will only drink when my kids are around IF there is someone there who is not drinking and is okay with the idea of responding to them in the event of a disaster. Each to their own I guess. As a qualified "glorified babysitter" and a mum I recognise the difference and I get offended when people suggest to TP's mum that he has two mummy's. The mum is the central pin to every kids life and cannot be replaced, we are the biggest role models, rule makers and unconditional love providers and there is no way a caregiver can ever have the same impact on a childs life.

Thanks for the nod. Thanks also for including me in the company of yourself and the other esteemed and "eloquent" writers you linked to.

Thank you for your eloquent addition to the conversation (rant?).

I think you are dead on in your distinction between a caregiver and a parent (and why are we ALWAYS talking about mothers and not parents?). I don't want my babysitter drinking while she watches my kids, but I also don't want her to lie awake at night worrying about their future.

Mostly, though, I want women to stop judging each other in order to justify our own choices. I want to hear more women say the kinds of things you are saying here. Thank you.

Yeah, I've mostly stayed out of this one too. I think you make some good points on the babysitter/caregiver issue that's at stake here.

I left a comment on Meredith's blog today, and also redecorated my blog in support of Melissa and Moms everywhere.

Well said! You said everything I've been thinking, and so well!
Karen

I love the last line of your post. It's taken me a while to realize that I do indeed need to live with Q integrated into our lives, instead of working in my life around him.

Like Lady M, I loved the last line, too, and that is something I've been thinking about since this whole thing hit the fan.

As a SAHM I am literally "on duty" 24-7. For someone to suggest that that sacrifice isn't enough and that I should allow myself to live a little only in those rare pockets of time in which I am away from children or perhaps when they are asleep is a slap in the face to me.

A great post and thank you for the acknowledgment :)

I think more children have come to harm at gatherings from hot cups of coffee or tea (I can think of three children I know!not mine) that have ever come to harm from mummy having a glass of wine. My only issue with this is that when parents drink at home in the evening they are not likely to being going anywhere apart from to bed afterwards but if you are at a gathering of mums then everyone has to get home somehow, I know I'd be very wobbly pushing the pushchair after a glass of wine. I think most women would know that drinking in the day isnt a good idea but the issue is that its their choice, personally I'd be ratted after one glass and the hangover would kick in around teatime, not the best idea for me!

I've read a few blogs about this subject recently. All seem to say the same thing. And I agree. If I gave birth the them, then let me make my own decisions on raising them. Yes, I work and yes my kids do have other caregivers, but ultimately I make all the decisions. I am NOT a babysitter, they are MY kids.

You're the first blogger I've read who's touched on the idea of "Mom = 24/7" and if you never get a happy hour, when should you be able to enjoy a perfectly reasonable adult activity?

At first I was kind of "mmm, I don't know about that" on the cocktail playdate thing. The more I think about it, the more more opinion is changing.

I wouldn't put much stock in what Meredith Vierra says. She doesn't even wear panties.

You only pay your nanny $4 an hour? That's less than even the old minimum wage.

I don't have a nanny. I have an occasional babysitter. And I pay her $4/hour because that's the rate she set. It usually works out to about $42/day, which is about average for childcare in our market.

For what it's worth, I'm also not a big drinker. No moral objections, I just don't particularly like the taste of alcohol. I dont have a problem with other moms drinking, however, and would be all over a martini playdate if my friends didn't live on the other side of the country.

After being a nanny for 4 years and hearing this story on the Today Show, I laughed thinking "well that's just silly". I would be the nanny who the mom's would bring to the playdates to watch the children while they drink wine and socialize. I'd never think twice whether alcohol was there or not. Maybe it's the culture where I live, but I've never even thought twice that it would be inappropriate. Maybe it would be if they each had a bottle to themselves and were lying on the sofa sloshed and slurring their words, but other than that...alcohol at playdates..hmph, what's the big deal? Wish I was invited!

Here's the big deal. As a nanny or babysitter you have time to yourself when you're off when you can have a drink if you wish. As the writer put it Moms are never "off" and it is up to them who or who doesn't do what around their children. For one the parent doesn't know how the babysitter or nanny responds to alcohol, but she does know how she responds to alcohol. The ultimate question to all of this is would you drink on any other job? If you were still performing your job duties for a company, would it be acceptable for you to drink? I'm not talking about at a dinner meeting or anything like that. Let's be sensible here. I would fire a babysitter in a heart beat if I found out she was drinking on the job. I hired to watch my child, not attend a party, and if she feels like that's what she needs to do then she needs to find another family to work for.

I bet Meredith had no idea that her credibility and respect would take such a hard hit from this stupid point. That question was a load of crap, spoken as only a woman privledged to have a nanny could ever speak. That was so not objective on her part. She's a journalist? I hate her guts now.

There is a huge difference between a sitter who is paid to meet the kids' daytime needs and a Mother having a cocktail or two at the end of the afternoon, as a means to weave together a full life. FWIW I would not have big problem with a sitter having a drink at the end of the night. My dad and his girlfriend were regular sitters for my little cousin a few years ago and sometimes they had a little wine, no biggie.