Talismans

I don't usually participate in things like Love Thursdays, but these cupcakes demanded it. These cupcakes are love. They are everything I feel about being Sabrina's mother, every little ounce of maternal feeling I have, iced and topped with a Smartie.

We all have those non-negotiables; those purely personal markers we cling to to reassure ourselves that we are doing a good job, that we are good mothers. I'm not talking about the external things, the things that strangers see--a meltdownfree trip to the mall or a good report card. And not the intangible "raising positive human beings," either. I mean that thing that deep in your mind you believe represents your success as a mom. I mean the one thing, no matter how frivilous or trivial, that you believe real mothers do, and that you yourself must do in order to be a "real" mother.

For me, it's the cupcakes. You see, I hate cooking. And baking. The cooking is somewhat non-negotiable (although I'm not above caging meals off of my mom to avoid it), but the baking? The baking is utterly negotiable. But not really, because I pretty much only bake 4 times a year: Cookies for Thanksgiving, brownies for the class bakesale, and birthday cupcakes to take to school and share with the class. That's it. Any other time of the year, and I'm all about the storebought.

But, for me, "real" mothers bake for the bakesale, and they certainly don't send in storebought treats to celebrate their daughter's big day. Real mothers bake cupcakes, even if they end up accidentally starting a fire in the kitchen (everyone's fine! no damage to speak of.) or teaching their toddlers an exciting new word after burning themselves on the oven for the third time. Real mothers have beaters and bowls and spoons to be licked, creating sticky faced memories that will last long after the treats themselves have been devoured. Real mothers go the extra mile and add the candy on top of the icing , declaring to the world that these cupcakes are special.

I dread the annual baking of the cupcakes. It's time consuming and messy and something inevitably goes wrong. But year after year, I pull out the bowl and the measuring cup, dust off the mixer, and bake cupcakes. Lots and lots of cupcakes. Enough for every kid in Diva Girl's class to have one. Enough for her teacher. Enough for her grandparents and sister and whatever aunts and uncles and cousins might be celebrating with us. By the time I'm done, I've had more than enough of cupcakes, but I make one for me too.

I make them because I love my daughter. Because being her mother is the central core of who I am. And so long as those homemade cupcakes are iced, topped, and ready to take to school on the birthday morning, I can assure myself that I've got it together, that I'm not doing too badly at this whole motherhood thing. Because real mothers bake cupcakes, and if the cupcakes are baked, that must mean I'm a "real" mother, even if the kitchen is a mess.

(Sorry about the crap picture. I was working with an unfamiliar camera.)

Comments

good on ya, its a real testament to your dedication, and Im sure the kids love getting to help make a huge mess too!!

Real mothers don't send in store-bought cupcakes for birthdays? Uh oh.

That's just my real mother madness, landismom. I KNOW you're a real mother, even with the storebought cupcakes. (But I bet you have your own quirk that you have to do in order to consider yourself in the league of real moms, right?)

What a sweet post.

My daughter recently had to bake something cultural to go along with her History project, to share with her class...her country was Russia. The kids even had to take PHOTOS of themselves baking to prove they had actually made it from scratch! So, we spent the afternnon baking little round Russian teacakes, smothered in powered sugar. She brought them to school, and everyone loved them. But best of all, after school, some of her friends came over our house for leftover cookies. I have to admit,though, I love to bake. The mess from the baking lingered for several days after, though...

Honey, if you think all it takes to be a "real mom" and in the big leagues is baked cupcakes, than I feel sorry for your kid.

real moms participate in their child's lives. 8 hours of your child's life takes place AT SCHOOL.

it has nothing to do with baking, and everything to do with your PRESENCE.

I wonder how many bakers out there skip PTA every month? mm hmm thought so.

Plus, I do not eat food baked in others peoples kitchens. How do I know you washed your hands, etc? Disinfected your counters? Good lord, bring me store bought anyday.

Bake sales and class treat ALWAYS give me the skeevies.

Being a "real mom" is what you make it, whether it be pouring your heart into making cupcakes, gracing the school with your presence or helping at home with projects and sending your hard earned money ("donations")for everything under the sun. There's no set thing, just do it and be proud you're a mom! Unfortunately, most Texas school districts won't allow homemade goods, so store bought is the only way. But to address the previous comment, store bought items preparation can be just as questionable. Unless you stand and watch them at the store, you don't know what's been washed or disinfected there either. That's why we bless our food!

Thanks Chondra. That's what I believe too.

Ally, if you were a regular reader you'd see that I do participate in my children's lives. You'd see that I chose to scale back my career in order to be present at school for field trips, assemblies, pizza day, etc. You'd know that, being a teacher, I'm well aware of how much time kids spend at school (and it's 6.5 hours, not 8), and have it a priority in my life to make the time we do have together, well, a priority. What you probably wouldn't know is that not ounly do I attend the school council meeting every month, I'm the vice-chair.

I have to admit that there's a certain level of irony involved in the homebaked cupcakes (beyond my home ec failing self being so obsessed in making them) in that as a teacher, I know that many, many of us choose not to eat homemade baked goods. The kids though, aren't so picky. And really, they're the ones I'm making them for. And one very special birthday girl in particular who felt very proud of them.

What a great post. It's nice to see someone put into words the love for their child.

Chondra's right, there are many ways to show our love for our children. There are a million little ways to let our kids know they are the heaven and earth.

There is no need for anybody to justify their motherly deeds, you do what works for you and you know in your own heart if you're doing your best for your kids.

Beautiful post and I'm glad you get the homemade baked goods out for the kids. I also am a "gotta be homemade" baker for my kids. I love to bake anytime but rarely find the time... unless it's for my kids. They get the fancy pants decorated (by me) cakes for their birthdays too. Something I can and want to do for them. Even if the race track was a little crooked a couple weeks ago there's no one who had a cake just like it before and it was choc-ful-o-love.

I have to seriously say that "real mothers" don't always bake. That sounds a little too 1950's for my taste. Every mom is a REAL MOM. Putting yourself above those who "buy" cookies seems a bit arrogant and disdainful. Real moms bake, buy cookies, whatever. No one is more "real" than the next mother. These are not correct thoughts in trying to corner yourself into the "real mom league". No one is better or less than anybody. Period. These thoughts are totally unacceptable. Embrace your role as a mother as a gift not a team your trying to get into.

I was so moved by your post. I read you often and relate to much of what you share on here. I too have the homemade baking thing that makes me feel like I'm doing it, I'm pulling it off, and she can lick the bowl and I can be proud that I made her feel special. I think we all put in the daily minute to minute, hour to hour work as parents. But like some of the other commenters on here, I get your message. I get that there's always those doubts we have as parents, and being a solo one is a lot of work. Sometimes we doubt our abilities even when we show up at the PTA meetings, or stay on top of our children's school lives, teachers, friends & foes, choirs, plays, sports, etc. And we may have that one or two special, special! thing we do, as hard as it is, as much as we hate baking or sewing the girl scout patches on or, whatever it may be. We do it for them because we love them. And you taking pride in those cupcakes and announcing how great it felt, is awesome! Enjoy!

You're not trying to take away anyone else's "thing" they do for their kids or say you're better, you're only rejoicing in something that was special for your daughter on her birthday. And you should! I'm not sure why, but some of those copmments really made me angry. I think you replied to them wonderfully so I know you don't need my rebuttal or guidance on this. I just got so annoyed. I've been a solo mom (to use your term) for 5 years now of one girl and it has been ingredibly challenging but also incredibly rewarding. I now have moved my daughter and I in w/my boyfrined and it is not any easier. I have different challenges now. I get to breathe a little because I can ask him to cook dinner while I help her with her homework, but having two people to please instead of one creates some new figuring out. Regardless, I admire you for being such an involved parent, and for sharing it on here for all of us to learn from and relate to. Thanks so much!

After the father of my children got a felony conviction (and went crazy and lost his business and our home and married someone else and everything..ooops, sorry)I returned to work after being a stay at home mom for 4 and 1/2 years. Shortly after, I also returned to school. I gradute in December. Until then, I must work late hours to make up for the hours that I miss due to school, and my 4, 6, and 8 yr olds are asleep when I get home. I only see them weekdays for the time it takes to get them ready for school and drop them off. Am I any less of a mom for the lack of time that I spend with them? EVERYTHING that I do is for them, including bettering myself through school in order to provide since their dad won't. I call them from work at bedtime, leave notes for them, and COVET weekends with them. But I can not attend meetings at school, I have no time to bake, and no money to buy stuff. I know them like I know myself, and consider myself involved in their lives and a real mom in every sense of the word.

Krispymommie:

Every mom's definition of what it takes to be a "real" mom is personal to her own experiences. I was not making a judgment about any other mother when I said that real mom's bake birthday cupcakes; was simply speaking to my personal sense that making the cupcakes--much though I loathe the very thought of it--is something that *I* have to do for my kids to feel like I've got it together. If I don't suck it up and bake those cupcakes then, *for me*, none of the other stuff--the school council meetings, the bedtime stories and lullabyes, the swimming lessons, career shift, even the growth of my children into happy, successful human beings--just doesn't quite matter. None of it means that I'm a good mother the way those cupcakes do. No matter what else I do, if I give in and don't bake the cupcakes, I just feel like I've failed somehow.

So long as you know that you're meeting your obligations and doing what you need to for your kids, you are a real mom.