What's In A Name?
This blog is called "Sanity and the Solo Mom" for a reason. Partly because it's about me, raising The Ladies on my own. But mostly because when iVillage and I were coming up with the title, my one hard and fast, non-negotiable position was that it not be called the "single" anything. I hate, hate, hate the term "Single Mother." Actually, I'm not wild about "single parent," either.
Truth be told, I'm not wild about putting any sort of adjective in front of the word "parent." I think that in a lot of ways, being a parent is a pretty universal experience that has less to do with your committment to a partner than with your committment to your children. And yet, we tend to qualify our parenting as though marital status makes a difference. If you are married, you are simply a parent, no questions asked. Unmarried, and you lumped into a complicated category called "single parent," also often without any other explanation.
What, really, defines the single parent experience? Is it simply the absence of a wedding ring and someone who hogs the covers? What about divorced parents? Even though they were once simply parents, and often continue to share parenting responsibilities long after they cease sharing a phone number, the fact that they no longer share a bathroom labels them "single parents." But, don't two singles make a double?
Which is not to say that people who independently co-parent are not single parents, just that they aren't the only type of single parent out there. There's a whole other breed of single parents--a group who share their responsibilities with no one. There are no "every other weekend and half of summer vacation" breaks and no discussions about report cards or doctor's appointments for these parents; they do it all, all the time, all on their own.
Recently, someone on the iVillage Single Mom's message board suggested that these parents are "true" single parents. It understandably caused some controversy on the board, implying as it did that one single parent experience is more valid than the other. I don't think one situation takes priority over the other, but I do think that they differ in some very important ways.
That's why I chose to define myself as a "Solo Mom." I think that if my experience has to be qualified, it more accurately describes my situation while respecting all those single parents out there. Because really, parents of all types deserve all the respect they can get.
Comments
Thanks and WTG. Great blog!! (per usual!!) and thanks for promoing our board!! :wink:
Great post Kymberly. To be honest, until I had stumbled on your blog a few months ago, I hadn't given it a lot of thought. I had just called myself a single Mom and that was it. But after discovering your blog, I do give it more thought now. I still use single Mom, mostly for simplicity's sake. You ask what really defines the single parent experience. And I'd say that it's hard to put it into one sentence, but like your post a few weeks back when your daughter was sick. That there wasn't a partner to watch your other child while you take the other one to the hospital. Those moments and all the other moments like that when we don't have the instant backup (of course I know that even in couple situations, this can happen), but I think it happens more as a solo parent.
I also think that the complexities of the types of singe/solo parents out there are even more than just those who share responsibility and those who do it all on their own. There's a whole huge area in the middle that often swings from one side to the other. It's a wonderful subject matter and I hope you explore it some more on here:)
I knew what inspired this post as soon as I started reading it. Your last paragraph - particularly the last line - describes how I feel exactly. Well said and well written! Thank you for addressing this subject here!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am a newly "solo" mom...my divorce will be final next spring. It is very hard to adjust to, but I get all the bedtime snuggles and unexpected joyful moments. I love your take on it.
I suppose what defines "single parent" for me is when my boy does something absolutely great, or something really funny, or causes me concern - I don't share it with his father, but rather with my own parents.
Yes, we have the "every other weekend" type of scenario going, but my mother's the one I tell when my boy first walked, read his first words, etc. I tell her about his report card and doctor's appointments, not my boy's father.
It's the NOT being able to share this kind of stuff with the kid's father and have shared concerns and pride that marks out a single parent.
Of course it's not all bad - I'm bringing him up exactly how I want to without any outside interference, which often feels like a plus point!
I never called myself a "single" parent after the divorce because their dad was still part of their lives. Not one I communicated with much, granted, but we did manage to convey the necessary about urgent matters, he did attend parent-teacher interviews with me, provided child support, and took them every weekend and for a couple of weeks during the summers. "Single" seemed a bit self-important, exaggerating my situation just a bit - after all, I was getting every weekend child-free, which is more than I ever got during the marriage!
However, now that he's burned his bridges with them so badly that two of the three of them want never to see him again, and the third has also moved in with me full-time, and now that he hasn't paid support in pretty near six months, I guess I *am* a 'single mom', even by my more persnickety definition!
You're quite right: parenting is a big job, no matter what adjective you slap on it.
I don't think single mom or single dad means a damn thing. You could be a single dad and not have custody of your children. Heck, you could be a single dad and not even know it. I think "solo mom" means much more.
Kimberley, I'm reading your posts from back to front trying to catch up since I've been on hiatus (aka having work to do at my job). I read this particular post when the girl first posted it and was appalled. She continues to attack other people on that board still (implying that she has it worse) and I just ingore her. I think she's depressed and trying to take it out on others. I'm glad you stood up to her. There's no reason to perform dramatics...accept your situation and make the best of it...it's not a competition like that girl thinks it is. Although I do have to say, I think you made her speechless and if it was a competition, you won hands down.
P.S. Kimberley ROCKS!
lol. Thanks.
Yeah, I guess it was pretty obvious that she bugged me.
I don't usually blog or comment on them, but yours is really interesting, maybe because Im a first time mother and I feel like everything you write about relates to my own situation. The Solo Mom thing is really cool too. Cute kids, keep up the good work you have a great blog and I will continue to visit.
thnk for the b-log, yeah i am also a solo mother, i can see why you came up with solo since the solo parents dont get to share or time to selfs...or i don't at lest.
I do know single moms who get a lot of help from their exes - but I don't chastise them for it - I'm HAPPY for them.
Now, me ... I prefer mine to be semi out of the picture.
Tks! Love your blog!
I have been looking for someplace safe to post with other solo moms.Great blog!
Thanks for this amazing blog. I speak with divorced solo moms all the time and they will tell you they have a love for their children that transcends all labels. I prefer to just call them moms or mothers. They are our protectors and our teachers. My mom and dad divorced when I was young and the thing that was great about them is they always thought of me first...even through the divorce. That's what TRUE moms and dads do...
Thanks again for writing this. I'll share it with the women on my site.
AntonioFWW
http://www.firstwivesworld.com/
