3 am Eternals

It's 3 am and I'm staring at the digital reading on the thermometer, trying to decide where my line is before the numbers stop flashing. The line where I decide that I'm not overreacting, that the waves of dry heat coming off of Regan are indeed serious enough to warrant medical attention.

But, it's 3 am. And I don't have a car. What I do have is another child sleeping in the next room as I sit here with this feverish, listless baby in my arms, desperately calculating what number I can live with. A child who will have to be woken up and bundled into a cab to spend the rest of her night sitting in an emergency room should that magic number appear on the thermometer.

This is the hard part of being a solo mom. The part that reminds you that while all parenting is a high wire act, when you do it without a partner, you're working without a net. There's no one here to stay with Sabrina if I do decide that I have to take Regan to the hospital. Worse, there's no one to talk to about it. No one to soothe my fears or to help decide what that magic number should be.

It's 3 am and I'm the one with all the responsibility here. Tthe closer that readout gets to the arbitrary number I'm willing it away from, the more I feel it; no matter how supportive my family and friends are, I'm the one who has to deal with this. Who needs to figure out how to balance the needs of both my daughters against the limited resources at my disposal.

As the blinking green numbers begin to slowly climb above my mental line, I wish I wasn't sitting here alone in the dark. It would be nice not to be the only one slowly freaking out as Regan's temperature rises. To help decide how high is too high. To distract me from thoughts of febrile seizures and other side effects. To hold the baby while I pee. It would be nice, but it really wouldn't change anything; I'd still be sitting here, holding my feverish daughter and wondering if I have cab fare to the hospital.

I'm not a nervous mother. Tonight is one of a handful of times I've used our thermometer since receiving it as a shower gift 8 years ago. I know the mommytricks. I know that fevers spike at night. That you can piggyback Tylenol and Motrin to break a fever. I even know that it's ok to let a fever run its course unmedicated.

104.6. That's where the thermometer finally stops. Before the numbers started climbing I'd decided on 104. Anything above 104 was too high. 104 was my freak out line. But that was before the thermometer stopped at 104.6. That was when I thought there was no way it would make it to 104. Now what?

How much does that .6 matter? Does it change anything? I've still got another daughter sleeping in the next room, and I'm still not certain about the cab fare. I could call my parents; I'm sure they'd help out. But nobody really likes to be woken up at 3 am, not even for .6 degrees.

Regan is sleeping now. Still scorching hot to the touch, and whimpering softly, but sleeping in my arms. Should I wake her? Or wait? It's my responsibility to decide how important those six tenths of a degree really are. Like so many other decisions, it's all up to me.

I reason that it's far more acceptable to wake someone up for a most likely unnecessary ride to the hospital at 6 am than at 3 and decide to wait. If she's still burning up in a couple of hours, then I'll call in the cavalry.

When her fever breaks around 5 I'm drained, but exhilirated too. I didn't fall off the high wire. But I still really need to pee.

Comments

Wow.

I have been there. Hope she's better now. Tough call, but you did good, mom.

I hope she's feeling better and that you both made it through the night ok. You captured in words so well one of my big fears. So many times I've hesitated and deliberated over the same reason, because when you don't have a partner to just turn to, there's a lot of factors to take into account. Hang in there and let us know how it went.

Hiya, My big girl cruised through childhood, I could count the number of times she has had a temp on one hand. Then I had Jazzy, in her first three weeks of life she developed Bronchiolitis, temps through the roof, wheezing coughing and eventually stopping breathing too many times to count. in the first six months of her life we spent one visit a month in hospital everytime being admitted the shortest was two days on oxygen and inhalers. I don't doubt myself anymore, now I know that there is a line beyond that base one, thats the one you don't cross, you pack everyone up and all make a trip to the emergency room. You did the right thing and you know where that other line is when it gets stepped over.

The first time this happened to me, I was overwhelmed by this huge sense of helplessness. (Yes, I did have a husband, but the wrong partner is worse than none at all...)

How was *I* supposed to know what to do? Suddenly I felt like a mommy-imposter, someone just faking it, and on the cusp of being horribly revealed as a total fraud. Above all things, I wanted some REAL grownup to step in and tell me what to do next. In short, I wanted my mother. Heh.

Seems I made the right decisions along the way, since my kids are still alive and kicking. Moreover, THEY think I'm a total grown-up, a REAL grown-up who can rescue and direct when they don't know what to do!

Fevers scare the hell out of me, especially since my daughter has had two febrile seizures. It is no fun sitting with a partner trying to decide whether or not to go to the ER--I can't imagine how much harder it must be to go through alone. Hope she's feeling better today (and that you can catch up on some sleep).

Since the last time I saw my mother alive she was seizing, the febrile seizure that Viv had totally freaked me out. I couldn't handle it. And now, we're drug nazis because I do not want a fever to come back and scare me like that again.

Awhile back, the kids and I were sick, and I remember something you had written about having to run to the drug store with both kids for drugs because you couldn't go alone, and I said to my husband-It could ALWAYS be worse. Neither of us could imagine having to deal with that.

That totally sucks man.

I am a solo mom too. Those are truly the hardest moments and I could feel your pain and anxiety reading your words. No one really knows what that's like until they go through it. I am glad you made it through and hopefully peed!

I completly understand about the fevers. I am 32 years old and when I was 5 I had a 106 temp. Thank goodness my grandpartents didn't questions themselves and took me to the hospital. Of course no one would touch me back them because my grandparents did not hold my insurance. I spent months and the hospital I had spinal minengitis (baterial). They told my family I would not be able to walk again.

I am glad to say I am 32 and happy and healthy. I can walk and the only reminder of that high temp. is the loss of hearing in my left ear. The temp was so high for so long it fried the ear drum.

I now have 2 beautiful daughters but I don't like the temps over 104 either.

Good luck

You're a great mom and we've all been there. Hope she's feeling better. Just one tip to add, lukewarm baths. My son would spike high fevers, I'd give the motrin and a bath. He didn"t always like it, but the fever came down quickly until the motrin kicked in. All the best, Pamela

Hey there!
i'm going to be a mother too pretty soon im only 16 years old and im really nervous, i don't know if im going to make it im so scared of that needle that goes in ur back im scared i will move. i hate neddles! But i have to learn my mistakes what i have done wrong, i should of put a condom but i din't believe in that i guess, so can any mothers give me a clue whats going on, but i live with my parents. can u guys give me some advise on this plz it will really help me out.

Keep trying! You are doing really good and your children will grow up knowing that they have a mother who worked hard to take care of them. They say it's a man's world, but I really think it's a womans. We are the ones with all the pain, all the strength. No wonder we live longer...we are so tough!
I wish you luck in your future.

I think your piece is so beautifully written. Do you write professionally? You should consider it.

I can so relate and I loved your writing. I have felt that way so often but did not know how to put it into words. Thanks for validating in such a graceful manner......

Wow, I just want to say how well this is written. It really invokes a fear inside me when I read it. I'm a single mother-to-be at the age of 19. I had to make the decision today to either YES go to the hospital or NO it's in your head, you are a wimp, these contractions aren't real. I am only 32 weeks, but I seem to have contractions. I decided to go. I just question myself sometimes, is this going to be something stupid, or is this cause for concern. It turned out to be a good idea. They were real contractions. I guess, judgement calls and gut instincts are going to be a major source of reliability in the future. Especially now that I have no spouse/boyfriend to consult with. I'm so afraid I'm going to make stupid decisions or be oblivious to something important. I look at other moms, older moms and I think "Gosh they are so smart, they know everything. I don't know anything. I'm not going to do as good a job as they do."

I have been there many times and it is rough. Good luck and I hope you get some rest too!

It's so hard being the only one on the line. Glad to hear it worked out and her fever went down. Those late night calls are fierce.

to jessica who is 16 and pregnant.i realize u are scared adn i feel you.i had my son at 16 and went on to have 3 other children including a set of twins who are now 4.i got married and i haev a job etc.having a child so young will change your life but doesn't have to ruin it.hang in there and use the advice from other parents,your parents and the doctors.its hard but believe me u can do this.