Whoever Said "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" Never Tried Being Friends With One

I'm in love. After yesterday's date, I'm absolutely smitten. I think she had me at "hello." All bubbly and excited to be hanging out. And when she took Sabrina's hand and started skipping down the street, well, I was gone. I've never had a mom crush before, but I've got it bad for Madyson

She's everything I ever hoped for in a friend for Diva Girl. She's polite, patient, kind, and has a mind of her own. She pleased and thank you'd her way through the three hours she was at our house. Not in an Eddie Haskell kind of way, but in the genuinely well mannered way that I hope my daughter behaves when she's the guest. She included the baby in their games and didn't seem to be begrudging her presence as she did so And she and Sabrina managed to cycle through most of the toys in the playroom--with the odd Arthur break thrown in just to mix things up--without a hint of argument. She was willing to compromise and play what Sabrina wanted at times, but was also able to stand up for herself and insist that they play her games too.

My heart melted as I stood outside the playroom door and listened to them declare their best friendness over a game of Mousetrap. And then it shattered as I overheard Madyson tell Sabrina about what Heather had been up to today.

It seems that Sabrina'sarch-nemesis, we'll call her Heather ( I have before, because it fits), continues to live up to her namesake. It's not enough that she's not friends with Sabrina (not something I want to happen anyway); apparently, no one else is supposed to be friends with her either. At least, that's the impression Madyson got when she and her minions cornered her on the playground and had the following conversation:

Heather: You don't actually like Sabrina, do you?

Madyson: Yes. Sabrina's my friend.

H: Well we hate her. She's a crybaby.

M: I like her. I think she's nice. And funny.

H: Well you don't have to play with her. You can run away from her you know.

M: I want to play with her.

That was it, except for the fact that they spent the rest of recess watching the two girls at play, making their displeasure known.

This is classic girl bullying at its finest. The whispering campaign, the exclusion, the drive towards complete isolation, and the utter unwillingness to confront the victim head on (remember, it was only a couple of days ago that Heather told Sabrina she wanted to be her friend.) are all hallmarks of female bullying.

Now, much though I'm not ok with them calling my daughter names, I've gotta give then the crybaby one. She is a crier. It's something we've been working on, and she's doing a lot better with it, but it's a reputation that she's earned. And one they want her to keep--apparently winding Diva Girl up by teasing her about her small size (she's a head and shoulders smaller than the other kids) is somewhat of a sport at school. I've explained to Sabrina that they're actively trying to make her cry, and she's been doing a great job of just brushing it off this year. But that doesn't make it ok for them to try. And it certainly doesn't mean that this little girl gets to decide that my daughter can't have friends.

I'm not a reactionary parent, but I'll be speaking to Teacher McDreamy on Monday. This has been going on since kindergarten, and it's time for it to end. We did the ""just be nice to her and she'll come around." We moved on through "just ignore her." and have dabbled in "stand up to her and she'll back down." Through it all, Heather has continued on her campaign of emotional torture. In Kindergarten, it was teasing that Sabrina wouldn't be going Grade 1 beacuse she was too little--a claim that had my gullible girl in tears more than once. Grade One was the year that Heather decided no one should attend Sabrina's birthday party--and only 2 of the 6 invitees actually showed up. Grade Two was quite simply hellacious. A daughter who was heartbroken, picked on, and desperate for social interaction.

I don't believe this situation is going to get better. I don't believe this little girl is going to change. I don't believe, even if Sabrina has finally found friends of her own and the strength to put Heather in her place, that this little girl should get away with what she's done. And I don't intend to let her.

Comments

from one picked on kid to a mum who cares. good on ya, yes I know kids are sensitive about their mum sticking an oar in but as the most picked on kid at school from the beginning to the end I say that its fantastic that you have tried all the options and are sticking up for your girl. I wish my parents had payed enough attention to me to notice that things weren't the way they should be.

Some kids... I don't care what her reasons are, I don't care what kind of pain there might be in her life, what Heather is doing is evil.

Thank God for Madyson! It only takes one friend to make a child's life so much easier.

But, yes, speak to the teacher. Can Heather not be moved to another class? (I always much prefer the approach of removing the aggressor rather than the victim, so everyone - including the victim - is clear on who's being blamed.)

As I kid I was picked on through out school by this one girl, I guess you could say she was my Heather. When we reached junior high it seemded to stop. I have since learned to stand up for myself. There has to be some reason behind why Heather is pickig on Sabrina. I would say that it is because Heather is an insecure child and is finding someone she thinks is weak that she can prey upon. Stick with teaching Sabrina to stick up for herself. And defiantly talk to her teacher about the problem, having Heather remove will stop during class but if all the classes go to recess at the same time then there no telling what goes on. But making the teacher aware might help, best of luck from one solo mom to another.

When I was little, I used to just kick kids..like "leave me alone!!"

I was the picked on kid, too, although it didn't seem to start for me until 5th grade or so. Even though I knew this already, it is still hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that they are starting the emotional bullying SO YOUNG! Females learning to treat each other with fairness and respect is a big issue for me and I wish we could figure out a way to make it stop, because it can be so painful and damaging. Good luck to both of you with this situation!!

When I was in fourth grade my best friend completely turned on me and started the "we hate L club" and wouldn't let any girls in the class play with me. It sounds so silly now, but it was absolutly heartbreaking at the time. I had just moved back to the U.S. from south africa where the teachers wouldn't let anyone play with me, and this was my first taste of american social networking. While i can definitly say it is something you recover from, it has left me with a deep distrust of girls to this day. i am very careful about new girl friends, and often convince myself that at a moments notice the friendship could end. these little girls just don't have any concept of how much damage they can be doing. (i don't mean to say that your daughter will have these same lasting affects, it may have much more to do with other personality traits)
you may have read it already, but there is a great book called "odd girl out" that covers a lot of these issues, and how they evolve in adulthood.

You go girl! Sabrina has put up with it long enough. It is time for Ms. Heather's parents to know what she is up to. Miss you!

I moved here from Germany in the 5th grade and most of the other kids had never even been out of our small town. There was one girl (who, ironically, is now one of my best friends now that she's grown up) who had the power and managed to get all the girls except one in our grade to not speak or play with me, or even eat lunch with me. It was horribly traumatic for me, I wish my mom had cared enough to speak to someone on my behalf.

Good for you. Both my daughters had their own Heathers and it hurt, them and me. Don't stand for it. They won't let you stand up for them when they're older, but now when they're young you've got the chance to make a difference. You may not be able to correct the situation, but at least your daughter will know that you're her advocate, and believe me, that matters a lot. On the other side of things, when I was in 5th grade there was a girl who was being excluded by another girl in our group of friends. My mother found out about it and gave me a good talking to. From that moment on I refused to exclude her anymore, and went from being follower to being leader. I never forgot how good it felt to do the right thing. And the nasty girl ended up being excluded herself, it was her own nasty fault for not wanting to hang with us now that we weren't letting her call the shots.

I think it's funny that I'm getting so defensive reading about someone else's little girl and the evil child bullying her. I just want to smack Heather right now! Anyway, I do not have children yet, so I guess I have a few years to learn appropriate impulse control :D! Thank you for the comment on my blog, by the way! I get so excited when "real" bloggers read and actually leave me comments! Can't wait to hear the update on Bullyface, err...Heather.

What mother wouldn't want to do to that little Heather-runt BUT of course, being careful not to turn this into an episode of Judge Judy, then yes, have a chat with Mr. McDreamy but if that doesn't work, maybe call a conference with Heather-runt's parents (in all hopes that her parents are civilized).

Good ...you need to at least try to make a difference. I definitely think you should speak to the teacher. Oh why are little children so mean.
I am so happy that Sabrina has a friend. She sounds like a dream.