Of Heathers and the High Roads

The problem with girl bullying is that the aggression is rarely on display. It's easy to spot the classic bully; while he may be subtle enough not to conduct a playground shakedown in front of the teacher, his actions are rarely left as a matter of perception. He's generally very up front about his motivation and tends to take a hands on approach with his victims. Not so with the Heathers. Unlike Butch, a Heather is rarely up front, and she never gets her hands dirty. Her brand of mean is best accomplished at a distance and under the radar. It depends not on direct confrontation, but on a far more subtle campaign of terror that is based almost completely on perceptions. Whispered insults and secret clubs, not fists, are her weapons of choice, and the damage, while just as real as a black eye, is often far less visible.

When it is, though, it's heartbreaking. I think I would have rather come out from my talk with Mr. G to see a battered and bloody Diva Girl than the beaten, dejected child who was sitting in line, oblivious to the he happy chaos of the playground swirling around her. She's the crybaby, but I was the one near tears as I watched her sit with her head down and her shoulders slumped, desperately trying to keep the hurt in and not care that Heather was making it a point to stand right beside her, deep in conversation with 3 other little girls in their class.

Sabrina wasn't the only one feeling defeated on the playground. My meeting with their teacher left me feeling angry and frustrated. To say Mr. G was less than understanding about the problem would be an understatement. Mr. G "doesn't see a problem." He doesn't see a problem because "Heather and Sabrina really don't interact as far as he can tell." And, to top it all off, he "can't do anything unless Sabrina brings the problem to me herself."

Yeah. Clearly Mr. G was never a little girl. And possibly, given that last statement, never even a kid. Of course you don't see it! That's sort of the point of bullying--it doesn't make it hurt any less just because the scars are on the inside. And of course they don't have anything to do with each other; that's the way this scenario works. The entire point is to have nothing to do with Sabrina--to make her as much of an outsider as possible. Which brings us to point number 3. She's already been labeled the crybaby. Now he wants her to be the tattletale too? And what exactly is she supposed to tattle about? "Jenny won't play with me?" I know what my response to that would be.

I walked out of the school frustrated by the teacher's utter lack of empathy and understanding of the issue, but bouyed by the fact that there was at least one glimmer of hope in this whole mess: Sabrina's budding friendship with Madyson. When I went in, Sabrina and Madyson were together, catching up on their weekends; when I came back out, Bree was on her own and Heather had Madyson. I don't know what happened in the five useless minutes I spent inside discussing the situation with the teacher, but I can guess. Social pressure is a hard thing to stand up to, even when you're an adult. As a child, it can be near impossible. And it's just human nature that when the Alpha in a group invites you in, you accept. I don't blame Madyson for crumbling under the pressure; I blame Heather for applying it.

I've been trying to to teach Diva Girl about taking the high road through this, but when my daughter ran to me and buried her face in my back, clinging to me like a 4 year old on the first day of school, I cracked. As the bell rang, I bent down and whispered, "She's a vicious little snot." It wasn't much, and it certainly wasn't mature of me, but the grin that spread across Sabrina's tear stained face told me that for that moment at least, it was enough. That's all that really matters to me right now.

Comments

Not sure if you've seen this program but Dateline just ran a report on middle school girls and the emotional damage that they can do to each other. It's pretty frightning to see what perfectly nice, normal girls can be capable of.

In defence of your "vicious snot" comment, believe me I have been known to lighten my girls day with somethng along those lines. It makes things a little easier to know that someone is on your side and that the thoughts in your head are safe to express! you never know maybe you have made the first step towards Diva girl being able to express it to the teacher, now ya just need to steer the wording!! Maybe with some positive encouragement from you Madyson will be better able to stand up to "The Heather". there is always the other option yeah I know its not fantastic but you could always go for the mines better than hers is approach, find something that Sabrina can show off at school or invite everyone over to experience maybe. just tryin to remember the things that I wished my mum had done for me. You are number one in my book, what an awesome roll model, stick up for your girl.

They day that Diva girl repeats those words is the day the you know your girl has won. I'm not saying that name calling is the best way to go, but she will be sticking up for herself which might make Heather back down and hopefully find someone else to pick on. If Madyson truely wants to be friends with Diva girl she will also have to stick up for herself.

Boys do it too. Contrary to popular perception, boys do it too. It happened to my son in 3rd grade and I moved him to another school because of it. I feel your pain - I've been there personally. This year is 5th grade and the ringleader is in the same school with him again because there's only one choice at this level. When I had my chat with the teacher on Friday I told her about the bullying - and yes I did call it bullying and said that the boys are NOT to be together. They aren't in the same class but they do have recess together and the problems have already begun. She was told that if there is another incident where this child's name was brought up there would be much deeper questions asked, leaving no doubt in anyone's mind that I will raise holy hell if that kid bothers my kid one more time.

Don't stand for it. That principal is shirking his duty in NOT protecting your child. If he doesn't step up then go over his head.

Good luck with this - it's an ugly, ugly thing.

Sometimes haveing a parent echo your thoughts instead of saying something PC is much, much more effective. Some people ARE vicious little snots, and as adults, we do our best to stay away. Why can't we teach our children that those snotty little kids aren't worth their time too?

Ack I hate little girls. I hope mine don't turn out like that.

The high road is a good first choice of action, but I'm sure, after dealing with this for so long, it felt good to your daughter to know that she had someone on her side.
I think, as involved mothers, we could go a long way in stamping out "The Heathers" if we all would have a hand in our daughters friendships like you do.
My Snootypants does a good job of involving anyone who wants to play and belong to the group, but I noticed that another girl in her class was trying to make some other girls feel unwelcome. I immediately had a talk with my Little Miss Snootypants and let her know that this "Heather"'s behavior was rude and hurtful.
I try to teach my daughter to see things through the other persons eyes. Empathy is a powerful thing every girl should learn to practice and it's our responsibility as mother's to teach them.
BTW... Little Miss Snootypants is named for a face she makes in photos, not for her actions toward others. :)

I really understand what you and your daughter must be going through. This passive-aggressive bullying tactic that girls often use causes so much more damage than physical bullying. My daughter faced it at summer camp this year, and unfortunately didn't tell me until later and I couldn't do anything to correct it. I just try to teach her to cope with it anyway she can (doesn't mean she has to put up with it - just that she has to counter without being mean). I even taught her the "withering" I-don't-care-what-you-think-because-you-are-IGNORANT look. And we practied it too. I hope things turn out well for your daughter, and "The Heather" learns her lesson. I hope she finds her own "The Heather". Oh, how I wish!!

I know that with parenting like that, Diva Girl is definitely going to make it through okay. Even though it is very hard to deal with while she's going through it, she will know that you are on her side, and that's so important.