The Mommy Trap
I've been having a hard time writing lately. Usually I have no trouble sitting down at the computer and spilling my thoughts onto the screen. But usually, I have time in my day to just sit and think my own thoughts. These past two weeks, between the simple fact of summer vacation, the insanity of essentially tuning Diva Girl into triplets by adding a 6 and a 7 year-old to the mix, and the lures of unlimited TLC thanks to the wonder of TiVo, not so much.
These past two weeks have been filled with swimming lessons, library programs, trips to the park, and all the insanity and heartmelting moments life with 4 wee girlies can produce. I'm not complaining; it's been wonderful to be able to give Sabrina this kind of summer. But it's been exhausting too. I'm not used to having 3 little girls underfoot all the time, and it's taken its toll. By the time things are quiet enough around here for me to grab a few uninterrupted minutes to write, I'm just not in that headspace. Once bedtime calm has been achieved I'm far more inclined to chill out with an episode from the Law and Order franchise than to wrestle with putting together coherent thoughts using complex sentences.
Today, however, I have time. Regan is napping, the wee girlies are out with their mom, and Sabrina is busy in the backyard transforming the picnic table into a fort. I finally have the time and space to myself to write. And I feel guilty. I feel like I should be out there spending one on one time with Bree--something she's not had a lot of lately-- not holed up in here spending time by myself--something I've had even less of.
It's the ultimate trap of motherhood: I need this time, and what's more, I deserve it. But, so does she. She's been very patient with this whole sharing her mommy thing (well, about as patient as the Diva Girl gets, anyway). She's not even whining at me to play with her right now; she'd rather that I were, but has graciously accepted the fact that I'm not going to. Which, rather than making me feel better about my choice to focus on myself for a hour, only adds to the guilt. Frustrating though it is, in some ways it's easier to feel good about saying "no" when they're bugging you.
What am I going to about it? I'm going to do what mothers do best: I'm going to compromise. I'll give a little, and I'll take a little. First, I'm going to give myself some time to think my own thoughts; then I'm going to take my Ladies out for a swim. Will it be as perfect an afternoon as if I were left to my own devices to eat ice cream in bed and immerse myself in a book? No. Will it wash away the twinges of guilt I feel when I look out the window and watch Sabrina have a tea party with herself? No. Will it open the jaws of this mommy trap just enough that I can squeeze through? I think so.
Comments
Give yourself a break! It's good for kids to play by themselves for a while; it helps them learn how to be imaginative and creative and self-sufficient. Plus, it sounds like your kids have had such a busy summer that a little solitude might be a good thing!
Can I ask a question about your backstory? Is there a place where you've written more about your situation--about Regan's health problems, or how you manage to finance being a stay-at-home-single-mom? You've made passing references, but I wasn't sure if you'd written in more detail about the story. If you don't want to write about it, of course there's no obligation--but I was just curious to know more about your family.
Enjoy that Law and Order!
It's just as good for her to have time to herself as it is for you. You will be a better mommy to her and zen baby if you take time for yourself to recharge your batteries.
You know how I feel about this! In fact, I think you do the "benign neglect" thing well, but that momma guilt, she's hard to shake.
Me, I'd like to shake the momma clock that wakes me 90 seconds after my teen was supposed to arrive home, and sends me tiptoing to their room to make sure they're in it. Stupid clock.
We all need our time including Bree. And guess what you spent oodles of time with her.... I think you just being there in eye sight is making her feel special.
And also it is natural to have some feelings of guilt... it is a sign that you are a great Mummy.
