Happy Unniversary

Nine years ago today, I didn't get married.

I was supposed to. The church was booked, the hall reserved. The menu was set and the flowers were chosen. The invitations were printed and addressed, but never mailed.

I didn't exactly leave him at the altar, but it was close.

I knew the Man I Didn't Marry for two years before we dated. And we dated for three years before he asked me to marry him. I wore his ring for a year before I gave it back, five weeks before the wedding.

Leaving that relationship wasn't an easy or capricious decision. It was incredibly hard, and made more difficult by the fact that I did love him, and he was (and is) a good man. He wasn't abusive. Or even mean. He made it clear that he loved me. But in the end, none of that was enough. Sometimes, it's not.

Eventually I realized that the person I would become if I became his wife was not a person I wanted to be. I couldn't do that to either of us. Become someone I wasn't, someone who would make both of us miserable, simply because I wasn't brave enough to face the truth and bear the consequences. That, much though we both wanted it to be, it just wasn't right.

So I did possibly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life: I told him I wouldn't be marrying him afterall.

It was the best decision I have ever made. I wouldn't be the person I am now, or have the life that I do, had I ignored what I knew to be true and just gone through with it. I like who I've grown into over these past nine years. I am very close to being the woman I knew I could be, the woman I knew I'd never have a chance to be if I had said, "I do." I can imagine my life many other ways, but none of them appeal to me. This, right now, is where and how I want to live. I have no regrets about not getting married. I'm sorry the man I loved was hurt in the process (and that my parents lost their deposit on the hall), but it was the right choice to make. It was so right, it really wasn't a choice at all.

To quote Norma Kelly in Chicago (which I bough myself as a little present today) : "Oh, I'm no one's wife/but oh, I love my life/and all that jazz!"

Comments

hey there, wow what an experience, sometimes I wonder why I spend time on the net and today answered my question. I can see my life going down a road that I am not happy with, like you I know who I can be and who I won't be if I stay in my current relationship. I have been a solo mum for nearly five years and that is something I am proud of, there is nothing wrong with going back to it.
Thankyou for the chance for my epiphany.

Thank you for reminding me that life is full of choices everyday and that only I know which choice is best for me. Leaving my son's father was also the hardest day of my life, but the best decision I have ever made. For myself and my son.
Happy Unanniversary!!! Best to you, Zen baby and Diva girl!!!

I have been there myself, although the invitations had been mailed...and some VERY large boxes from Tiffany's had already arrived. It was three weeks before the big day and...well its a long story but I will sum it up by saying it was the MOST POWERFUL ME day of my life when I called it off. Six years ago. Now I am halfway through my first pregnancy - "solo" momming it myself and I don't think I would have been able to consider THIS if I hadn't done THAT.

I really enjoy your blog and look forward to being a solo mom myself in October.

Congrats on your pregnancy Chase. We are here to support you. Best Wishes to you and your little one.

awesome news Chase, congratulations, I have solo'ed since two weeks after my first girl was conceived, amazing experience and now I have two girls, I don't have to share them, I am the one, (not that I am selfish!!teehee). Its been the best time and the hardest time but everyday there is the morning when two small sq1uirmy warm people hop into bed and say good morning mum, and bedtime when you get to watch them sleeping for as long as you want to.

That's great news, Chase! Congrats! As you can see, it's not always an easy life, but it's certainly a rewarding one. It's going to be great.

And wow. Returning the prezzies. At least I didn't have to do that. It was hard enough to cancle the florist and the cake. (I made my Mom tell the rellies.)

Thanks, Ladies! I am excited and glad to have found so much support in my friends, family and great online "groups" like you all.

PS Kimberly, returning the presents was hard, LOL. I asked the Tiffany's guy if I could just keep one box, not the contents...just to have a 20 inch square Big Blue Box, he let me...it was my souvenir for quite a while. :)

wow. what a hard decision to make.
but glad you are happier and better for it!