I'm Just a Mom

I'm trying to write this inaugural post, but it's not going well. Sabrina, aka Diva Girl, is home from school today--with a bad case of vacation entitlement. And Regan, my Zen Baby, is on a nap strike. After all, if her seven year-old sister doesn't have to sleep away the afternoon, then she's certainly not going to submit to the indignity of it all. (This is much the same attitude she has towards diapers these days, but that's a post for another time.)

(Excuse me while I go rescue Zen Baby from the spurting horror of the carpet steamer.)

When did this become my life? When did a trip to the laundryroom become an exercise in precision planning?

Well, pretty much the moment the stick turned blue, actually. This has always been my life. My life as a Mom, anyway. I have never, ever, parented with a partner. Like most solo moms, I get asked every once in a while--usually when it's pouring down rain but we need to make a trip to the store for diapers with a disgruntled Diva Girl and an unZen Baby in tow, or similar circumstances--"How do you do it?"

And I don't really know how to answer that. How do I do what? Parent? The same way you do, I would imagine. I make rules, break rules, hug my kids, shout at my kids, adore my daughters and am worn out by them. I change their diapers, kiss their boo-boos and do their laundry. I read to them, sing to them, play with them, and occasionally lock myself in the bathroom to escape from them. I really am just like you in so many ways.

That said, being a solo mom is so much more than being the only one there at the battle of the bedtime. We've all been there, single and partnered moms alike. And it's not about having someone else to pick up the slack around the house. Although I'm sure that when you are used to that support and it is withdrawn, it must seem doubly hard to get those floors washed or the laundry folded. (Heck, I don't remember the last time I folded the laundry.)

The real difference in being a solo mom is living with the knowledge that no one will ever love or be enthralled with your child as much as you are. I watch Zen Baby sing along to her favourite Doodlebops song or conquer the ladder up the slide. I watch Diva Girl mimic her Bella Dancerella DVD or listen to another gem drop out of her mouth. I live all those "Honey, look at what the baby's doing!" moments knowing that I can share them with grandparents and friends and here on this blog, but they will never be meaningful in the same way. And that is one facet of what it is like to be a single parent. Probably the hardest one.

On the other hand, my Big Girl tells me she loves me, and that I'm the best mommy ever. Or my Little Girl gives me a wide sloppy kiss and simply beams at my attention. And I know that while I will always be the "bad cop" (Diva Girl has settled in to sulk on the couch as I write this, upset at being reprimanded one too many times for teasing her sister), I will never not be the favourite parent. After all, only I hold the keys to the ice cream.

Sure, there's no one to work out the Really Big Stuff with -- Catholic School or Public? Time-outs or Time-ins? Chocolate cake or brownies for breakfast? But there's also no need to worry about anyone secondguessing or contradicting those choices once they're made. For me, that's where much of the "sanity" comes in. I don't need to lose my mind over things like the kids still needing a bath when I get done work, or always being the one who has to remember the vaccination schedule and scrub the toilet. When there is no expectation that someone else could be doing those things, it's far easier to just get on with doing them yourself. (Or, you know, putting them off until tomorrow in favour of curling up on the couch and watching Justice League with The Ladies.)

I love my kids. I make choices for them. I do it alone, and I do it happily. I accept that while they are loved by many people, they live in my heart, and my heart alone. And that is what it is like to be a solo mom.

Welcome to my blog. I'm really looking forward to talking to you. But right now I'm going to go check out the ominous silence from the playroom.

Comments

Hi Solo mom, I look forward to reading your blog and hearing about all your adventures with Diva girl and Zen Baby.

Hi Solo Mom,

I too have been a parent w/o a partner to my two year old son, Montgomery. It is a mixed blessing, to be sure. While I enjoyed the freedom of naming my son whatever I desired without argument, I still worry that there is no one there to balance out any bad decisions that I may make in the future.
But I wouldn't trade being a solo mom for anything. He is the love of my life, and I understand how you feel for your daughters. I trully believe that we are never given "burdens" that we cannot bear....they only help to make us stronger. And I, for one, feel that being a parent has made me a better person.
Good luck with your blog.

Welcome Solo Mom,

I was a solo mom for the first year of my son's life, then I met a wonderful man who loves him like his own. Since the 5 years of our relationship (dating and marriage) I have been more or less a solo mom half of that time, Due to hubby being on the other side of the world from us at different times. I can fully realize all that you wrote. I will enjoy reading your blog.

I like this. Nice going.

Ann

Ooh, touchdown. Congrats on the new gig :)

I read your blog and thought back to the first 2 1/2 years of my daughters life. She turned 4 today. A few months after my daughter turned 2 I met someone and started dating. Things were rocky at first, but it's been almost 2 years now and things are GREAT! I have to admit that I do miss the one-on-one quality that you get w/your child when you're on your own, but the help and support has it's advantages too. My daughter STILL thinks I'm her world and gives me hugs and kisses like she's never gonna see me again. The bond that you've got with your girls is absolutely PRICELESS and I can assure you that even if you do meet someone that is good to your kids AND you, that fact will not change. You will STILL BE their world. Good luck with your girls!!

From one Super Single Mom to another, you are doing a great job!

Solo or not, Mom's are always the favorite! That's what I tell myself at least so I don't go running through the streets screaming how unfair it is to her father. I like raising her by myself. I also loved seeing her play dolls with her dad. We all just want the best for our babies! I have "soloed" with her for 4 years and have met someone incredible as well. He is amazing with her and she adores him. I think it is funny when he comes to me to make sure he handled something appropriately...he says he isn't sure how he is supposed to handle things...neither do I, I have never had a ten year old either!

I like your blog! Nice job!

Nice job!

Bella Dancerella...Doodlebops...hahahaha...my daughter is 8 and loooves all of that. I giggle and get excited when I catch her dancing along and participating in her favorite shows on the t.v....nobody else appreciates that stuff but the mom.

I have never been a single parent, but my daughter is. I can appreciate the frustrations and disappointments a single parent can go through on a daily basis without some of the freedom one would have with a partner. The sacrifices you make for your children is a BIG one, but the love for your children is second to none.
Keep writing and sharing your experiences and this may help someone else in the same situation.

I am really excited about your new blog! Although I have a partner, I am still a solo mom in many ways (my man is more like a second child) I see you as being lucky. You only have you and your girls to pick up after, and no one to let you down when you rely on them and they fall through. I go to school full time and we dont have any sitters, family, or friends here. The important thing is that your girls feel loved and it sounds like they do!

oh this is great, I've always been a solo mum and my kids are nearly 12 and nearly 5, i get the 'how do you cope?' routine and it always strikes me that I have one LESS person to pick up after!

I only just read your entries and I love the way you express solo parenting perfectly. My 12 year-old-son and I have been doing this for 11 years now and the best part is seeing all those hours of love, respect, and guidance turn your child into someone you're proud to know. Remember, nothings impossible. When given the chance to clean or play make sure you play because you’ll have plenty of time to clean once they are in bed.

im very impressed by what im seeing here. I suppose i am a "solo mom" as well..but i find it stressful and i feel like i cant do it alone sometimes..i work 60+hrs/wk and when i pick my son up from preschool i am already exausted.by the time my second wind comes around hes ready for bed. I just dont feel like im there for him enough..and trust me his part-time dad lets me know it. sometimes i wish he wasnt ever around,it would make it so much easier to not work around his schedule to see his son.how i long to tell my son he cant do something or have something and him actually not get it! his father is constantly underminding me and doing the opposite of what i say. we cant agree on anything!the only thing we've agreed on since i got pregnant is if i hadnt we wouldve never talked to each other again..too bad i got pregnant 6months after i lost my virginity.i just wonder if there is anything i can do to have quality time with my son and still afford preschool and everything else he has to have. i admire you i guess.

Hi SoloMom,
Thanks for sharing. I broke out into tears when I read the passage "no one will ever love or be enthralled with your child as much as you are." This is the hardest part for me as well. I haven't heard from my daughter's father in 2.5 yrs. Though I feel I truly did everything I could to make it easy for him to be in her life (no child support, traveled to his State so he could visit with her), I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not 'giving' her a Daddy and it saddens me greatly. In the end, all that matters is that I give her all my love and do the best I can. I know in my mind I cannot make her father love her or want to see her, but I just can't seem to know it in my heart and it is my heart that breaks when she asks about her Daddy or when she is having one of those remarkable moments only a parent can cherish. That is truly the most difficult aspect of doing it alone.

Faith, ...read, sing, play -dishes can wait. Leave work on-time then finish up at nite after bedtime. Good Luck.

Hi Solo Mom,
I couldn't agree more with you - especially the part about how you couldn't not be the favourite parent. I've been solo moming my son for the past five years (he's 9) and have enjoyed every moment of it. True, there have been some days when I felt it would be a blessing to have someone else (only to help run errands!), but those days are forgotten. I'm so proud I don't have to depend on anyone for anything!!

Although I'm not Solo, I'm a mom who really appreciates these sentements.

Hi there-
I'm right there with you, sister. It has good and bad points; being a solo mom. But overall I'm pretty happy being the sole decision-maker. I feel that I have all the responsibility but also all the control. I'm doing the best I can to try to help my son grow into best man he can become.

this is the best! so glad i found it. i'm the solo mom of rowan, my beautiful 5 month old daughter.

As soon as I saw this link I clicked on it. I'm a solo mom of a beautiful five year old. Her dad and I had a lot of problems and he never helped much (if at all) while he was here. We broke up about 2 years ago and soon after I met a really nice guy. I am now five mths pregnant with the "nice guy's" baby and he is furious (needless to say he doesnt want kids). So, after much thought about abortion (after WEEKS of tears & soul searching I realized I couldn't) I said hey, I'm already soloing and I have a great child so I can't be too bad at this. It took me all of the last five months to realize the world isn't going to come to an end if I solo yet another baby... God help me financially but when I look into my daughter's eyes and see the love there, it reassures me that I'm doing something right. I've got a stable job, supportive family and after reading this blog - I realize I'm not the only mother out there doing this and that it is possible to SUCCEED and LOVE being a SOLO MOM of (gasp) TWO kids! Hugs!!!

Faith- I am in the same situation you are in with the father, except that I chose to go to school for a living until my kids are in school. Paying for daycare is too much in addition to the bills, so I have made a large investment in my kids, me, and their opinion of me vs. their inaddequate father. The school gives grants and loans to single parents the most. Plus the government helps with medical bills, food, housing, and transportation to medical appointments. I have been in school going on, eh hem, 10 years, racked up a loan the size of a luxury car, but my kids are more priceless and I will never regret it. Plus I get a degree to boot!
I feel like shouting it to the mountain tops, but hope I don't jinks it!

good start on the blog!
really hits home for me. i'm a solo mum to a 20 month old daughter. her father has been pretty much vacate since we seperated/divorced.....
like jen, the part you wrote about no one loving or being enhtralled like you, really hit home. and like jen, i have a hard time dealing with the whole absent father, and how much do I do, to try and get him to be a good father... i know, i know, you can't force someone, ect.... but still, you would think the the spermdonor would adore/love the baby as much as the eggdonor, no?
anyways, it is an ongoing process, and only time will tell how it all works out.
tasha

So glad I found you! I was married 10 years and had two children when my husband announced he "couldn't do it any more" and moved out. That was last year. I realized I had been a married single mom for quite some time. Over the past year I've had some very tough times, but I've also become aware of how strong I am. I look forward to reading your blog. It's great to know I'm not alone!

I've been on my own since just before "the stick turned blue", so I've never known anything else. But isn't it funny the way people keep saying "but how do you do it?" ? I mean, it's not like you have much choice! Sure, there are horrible elements of it (like not being able to share the child's achievements), but it's great only have two people to look after: myself and the boy. He and I get all my attention, and I don't have to juggle a man in there too, which I'm quite often thankful for!

im a solo mom for almost 5 years with my 3 great kids.like you, i have been with some up and downs. now im about to file a case with my hubby who is not supporting us.he has another family outside philippine. it pains me a lot for my 3 kids without support as his responsibility. i will show him how God take justice. i really believe that God is the God of justice. more power to your blog. godbless.

"I accept that while they are loved by many people, they live in my heart, and my heart alone. And that is what it is like to be a solo mom"

Oh my God that part kills me. I too feel like that, my baby is loved purely by me. The father could not care less or more. The minute we were history so was his child.
Anyway I have just found your blog by googling, was feeling a bit down of sorts. Looking forward to going through your archives